At the end
by C0mm0n-Sw1ft
Summary: At the end of Allegiant. Four returns from the city to find Tris in critical condition. Will she make it and how will Four deal with seeing Tris this way, unable to help? Rated T just in case. The story idea isn't new, but I wanted to give it a try. This is my first fanfiction! I'll be happy for reviews. All credits for the Divergent trilogy go to Veronica Roth.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One

FOUR'S POV:

We pass the abandoned security checkpoint and enter the perimeters of the compound. There's no one in sight. We look around, trying to decide how best to find out what's been going on since we left. Amar repeats his question, "Where IS everyone?" Christina and I glance at each other. Hana and Zeke just seem overwhelmed. I know the feeling.

I turn towards our small party. "It's probably a good idea to split up at this point. Amar," I face my former initiation instructor, my friend. "I think you and George should go see Matthew. There's been a lot happening and he'll know how to explain it to you." Amar rumples his forehead in confusion but thankfully he holds his silence and accepts my command. "Christina, maybe you can take Hana and Zeke to see Uriah," I say softly, not quite able to look Hana in the eye. "I'll get to the Weapons Lab or the control room and see if I can get some news. I'll come update you soon." Christina nods in agreement and we all set off. Soon our ways part and I'm alone walking down a corridor in the compound.

I turn a corner and see Cara walking towards me from the other side. I'm about to open my mouth in greeting, my mind already formulating so many questions, when I really notice the state she's in. She is badly bruised and her head is bandaged, but somehow what catches my attention is the glint of fresh tears rolling down her face as she looks at me. "Tobias, I'm so sorry…"

I stand still. I don't understand her words, though some tiny voice inside me is screaming that they can only have one meaning. I finally manage to breathe in and out. "Cara, what are you talking about?" I'm surprised how calm I sound.

She looks up at me from where she stood with her face buried in her hands, "It's Tris. She took Caleb's place and went into the Weapon's Lab. Somehow she made it past the death serum but David was waiting inside for her and he-" her voice breaks.

"He what?" I say quietly. Dangerously.

"He shot her! Oh, Tobias, I'm so sorry! They're trying everything, but…"" Cara's face is buried in her hands again and she's sobbing now.

My mind races, I try to think past the last few hours before I went into the city. I try to remember our last moments together, try to find some clue in her words or actions, but it all seems a blur to me. Finally, I reach a point where some understanding dawns on me. Of course she took Caleb's place. Of course. That's Tris. That's why I love her. She wouldn't be able to let him go, knowing he was doing it for her, knowing he was doing it to win back her forgiveness. I guess somewhere deep inside me I knew, maybe even more than she herself knew, because she never could see who she truly is. I _knew_ but I wanted to pretend I didn't know because everything was happening so quickly and we just had to decide… It seemed like the right thing for us to do, to split up… One thought abruptly ends this desperate spiral, like slamming into the side of a moving train while trying to hop on.

I never should have left her.

All my other thoughts slowly subside and this becomes my only one. My mind becomes sharp and clear, focused on this one sentence.

I never should have left her. I never should have left her. I never should have left her. I never should have left her. I never should have left her. I never should have left her.

I never should have left her.

Somehow, I know I am breaking under the weight of this single thought. How can one sentence be so heavy? But I am strong and I think it over and over, shouldering the weight I know I cannot bear.

Just before I'm sure I will crumble and perish under this weight, a spark lights timidly within me. I remember – vaguely, distantly – Cara saying something like "they are trying everything." A flame of hope burns deep within my chest, keeping the crushing feeling at bay, for the time.

"Cara, where is she now?" The hope flame flickers anxiously. I fear the answer to this question more than any fear I have ever known.

Cara looks up again, her sobs subsiding. "In- in the hospital wing."

I run.

Upon arriving outside the hospital, I slow down a bit. I push open the doors, breathing through my mouth, trying to calm myself and failing. I see a few people dressed in nurses' or doctors' clothes rushing in a hurried but orderly fashion from one place to another. Here and there a person with a vague look sits in a chair in the waiting section, looking dazed. I choose a hallway branching off the entrance room and no one seems to notice me, or they just don't care that I am here. I pass room after room, turning down the hallways that lead to the intensive care ward. I continue in a brisk pace until I finally find what I'm searching for – a door with Caleb standing outside it.

He's so focused staring at the door in front of me he doesn't notice me until I'm nearly on top of him. He turns towards me suddenly and starts back, as if afraid that I might attack him.

And I might.

Instead I say in the coldest, most no-nonsense tone I can muster "Tell me everything."

Caleb swallows. He brushes his hair from his forehead – I can see he's been crying. He swallows again. "She's been shot."

"I know." I say.

Caleb swallows a third time. "David, he was waiting for her in the Weapon's Lab. He knew… somehow, he knew that something was up." At first he is slow and stumbles over his words, but as he gains momentum he picks up in speed and speaks more clearly, nearly slipping into that Erudite manner he managed to hide for so long. "He shot her three times. She still succeeded in setting off the memory serum somehow and everyone that wasn't inoculated lost their memory. David included. I was outside being held by guards that had caught me as I was…" he falters and looks around, his eyes wild for an instant. "Well, I was _supposed _to be going into the armory." His eyes find the floor and he continues. "Then, the memory serum hit them and they were pretty clueless, so I ran to the Weapon's Lab. I had heard the shots from outside. I didn't know if the death serum would try to stop me again, but luckily it didn't, the doors were still open, and I got inside. As soon as I saw her I knew she needed help, so I called the hospital and tried to do what I could to staunch the bleeding as I waited. They arrived shortly after and took her into this room. I've been standing here ever since." Caleb finishes in a rush and slouches down a little lower once he's done.

"How long?" I ask.

He searches the hall for a moment until he spots a clock hanging on a wall. He squints at it for a moment. "Four hours."

I suck in a breath. Four hours of torture. Well, now Four is here. I suppress the urge to laugh, knowing it will only lead me to hysteria. I have to hold on to my cool composure, it's all that's keeping me together. I grasp my flame of hope and hold it tight.

"Good, Caleb."

He looks up at me uncertainly.

"You can go if you want. I'll stay here until there's some news." I want to send him away. I want to demand he leave my presence, my sight forever. But I will leave him this choice. It's the only thing I can offer. I cannot, will not offer him consolation – I have none left even for myself, even if I wanted to console him.

Caleb continues looking at me uncertainly. I see something of her in his face and it takes all my strength not to look away. Finally he mutters something I cannot understand under his breath and walks away. The only word I can think of to describe him is defeated.

I take up his place in front of the door. I am not yet defeated. My hope flame flickers fitfully. First, I try not to look at the door, but soon I find I cannot withstand its force of attraction. My eyes return to it of their own accord. After a while I give up trying and just stare at the door. There is no window from the room into the hallway, no sound escapes from behind the heavy grey door and white walls, there is no distinctive mark to set this door apart from all the other ones in this hall. There is just a small white sign next to it with the letters and numbers O-207 written in black.

I stand and stare.

After some time (an hour? a day? a lifetime?), I hear footsteps approaching. I've heard several sounds from down the hall, doors opening and closing, footsteps coming and going, hushed voices. Once I heard a woman cry, one lonely desperate sob. None of it drew my attention away from the door. But this is the first time one of these sounds is coming nearer to me. I finally manage to tear my eyes away from the door to see who it is.

Matthew.

He walks towards me. He's wearing a white lab coat and it seems to be covered in blood stains. His hands are clean and he carries a clipboard in his left hand.

As he nears me he smiles a grim smile in greeting which I do not return.

"Tobias," he says. "I thought I'd find you here." He stands next to me. I return to my silent vigil of the door and grunt in acknowledgement. He also faces the door and clasps his hands behind his back, still clutching the clipboard.

"It's terrible, isn't it?" he says. I note a hint of emotion in his voice which I choose to ignore. "She did it, you know? She got through the death serum – without any protective clothing – which should be impossible, and she managed to set off the memory serum even though she had been shot three times. Tris, she saved the whole plan."

Hearing her name causes an unexpected explosion of pain within me. I close my eyes, hold on tighter to my little flame of hope, feeding it with images of her face, burning her eyes into my memory.

Matthew goes on. "Thank God someone was smart enough to think of inoculating some of the medical personnel. Everyone who was affected by the serum is useless now, but we had a few GD nurses and hospital helpers who were in on the plan and we even a convinced a few doctors. Every single thinking person with any medical experience or capacity in the compound is in this hospital now, caring for the wounded. And Tris is getting as much attention as can be given to her, perhaps even more than that really. They truly are doing all they can, Tobias. But…" he exhales deeply. "I don't know how to say this. It just… it doesn't look good. It really doesn't. I was in there with her in the beginning trying to help, but the doctors sent me away after a while to help elsewhere." He looks over at me nervously and seems to think I need further explanation. "In the beginning they needed as many hands as they could get in there, but now they really need expertise and so only the experts are still in there." I only wonder distantly if that's her blood on his white lab coat. I imagine when I look at it out of the corner of my eye that I can see her beautiful DNA somewhere within those red blotches, like when we looked through those microscopes. That feels so long ago.

"The bullets hit some pretty critical spots," he continues. "The doctors have done what they can for the immediate bleeding and damage, now they have to see what can be repaired, but…" He sighs and places a hand heavily on my shoulder. "Hang in there, Tobias." He looks into my eyes for just a second and I see a pained look I don't quite understand in his own dark eyes, then he squeezes my shoulder and walks away.

My eyes return to the door.


	2. Chapter 2

Thanks for the review!

Chapter Two

TRIS'S POV:

I feel my mother's hand guiding me. I let myself be taken away by her embrace. I don't know what comes next, what to expect, but I have been forgiven and my mother's arms are warm and sure. I am not afraid.

Brightness surrounds us. It becomes so light I am blinded by it, immersed in light.

Then slowly, suddenly everything changes. It is instantaneous and it lasts an eternity all at once. I am yet I am not. My body is no longer who I am, _I _am who I am, pure and true. I have no eyes yet I see more clearly than ever I could with my physical sight. I hear every sound there is to hear, sense every smell, feel every feeling. I am nowhere, I am everywhere. I am in constant movement as the sea, I am as strong and sound as the mightiest mountain. There is no limit to this being I have become. I marvel in this feeling, overwhelmed by how free I feel. Never before have I truly known freedom.

My mother speaks to me in this way, which has already become normal, of speaking without a mouth. "My dear Beatrice, you have been so brave." She is like me now, everywhere and nowhere, there yet without form. I observe her and seem to be truly seeing her for the first time. Her selflessness, her strength, her humble manner… It's as if all the things that one could see of Natalie Prior in life had fallen away like a veil, leaving behind only that which was truly her. She is beautiful.

I try to remember what she means and all my life comes back to me in one instant. I can see every act, every decision I ever made. I see good and bad, strong and weak moments. I see my hesitance at being Abnegation, my desire to know some other life, my fear and overcoming that fear, over and over. I see my parents, trying their very best. I see Caleb and I wonder now how I ever could have overseen who he really is. I see Tobias and there I see so much love. My heart (do I have a heart?) aches faintly. Then I see the last few weeks, the plans we've been making, the decisions and actions that brought me here. Have I been brave? Maybe. My intentions were sincere. But somehow, it all doesn't feel right.

I do not speak but my mother knows. It seems as if she is drawing closer to me (in a world with no space) and she says, "Being here like this, it gives us a different perspective, I think. We understand the past in a new way." My new bodiless self nods in agreement. "Things that once seemed so right and clear now appear to be meaningless," she continues. "Give yourself time. Take it all in and you will make sense of this."

Time? Is there such a thing as time? I wonder. But my mother's words have the right effect. I take it all in. I perceive not only myself but all of existence around me. I lose myself in all that there is. At first I just feel a sense of connection to every thing there is: to every grain of sand, every rock, every tree, every plant, to every drop of water, to every animal and human being, to the entire Earth and then beyond it to the other orbiting planets, to the powerful sun and all the stars great and small and then farther, farther, to galaxies and galaxies beyond and to other beings on other distant worlds. Everything is one and I am one tiny speck in the midst of it all. For the first time ever, I understand how big the Earth is in comparison to what I have seen of it before. I realize that there are people all over it, human beings light and dark and familiar and exotic, wonderful and terrible. And then I understand that even this Earth is as nothing before the greatness of all that is. I am humbled. I exult.

Soon I realize I can focus my awareness to specific things amongst it all and I peruse the Earth with my mind. I am running alongside a fox, its red and white tail low as it steals away from danger. I am a snail on the ground with my own sense of time and space and movement, living in a world of grass and soil. I dive into the dark deep of the ocean, the color of Tobias's eyes, hearing the whales sing to each other. I am the tree, I feel its steadiness, its connection to the ground, I feel its longing for the sky as its limbs stretch higher and higher. And I am a mother, a father, a son, a friend. I breathe fresh air, I feel my lungs burn as I run hard, I sleep, I eat, I laugh, I hurt, I cry. Most of all, I love. I love over and over, I love my daughter, my son, my parents, my friends, my lover. Every person is searching for this connection and I am at the center of it, connected to them all.

Somehow I know that I am crying. I return my awareness to everything instead of something and I let myself be taken by this wave of emotion. I remember the ocean with its cold embrace and I imagine I am but spray on the tip of a mighty wave, being carried away into oblivion.

This is true life. How did I ever think that I was alive before? How did I spend so many years on this beautiful Earth, never knowing, never understanding any of this? How can humankind have come so far and still not see the most obvious truth?

I feel my mother's comforting presence. I wonder about this new life, try to imagine remaining here forever. It isn't hard to do. It seems I have been forever already. But my attention returns again and again to the world I knew before. How can they go on, not knowing any of this? I can see the suffering, I can feel it deep within me and I know it isn't going away.

My mother smiles. "You see now Beatrice."

"I see," I reply.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?"

Beautiful is too small a word to describe this, but I nod. "Yes. It is. But it's also… sad."

"Sad? Here there is no sadness. But you are sad for them." She makes a sweeping gesture and it takes in the entirety of mankind.

"Yes," I say. "I am."

We remain quiet for a moment, an instant, an eternity.

"We think we're solving our problems by doing the things we do. We think we're helping ourselves and each other by separating into groups, by creating factions, by saying these people are genetically damaged and these people are genetically pure. Divergent, not divergent. But we aren't. We're all one. Everything is one. None of it matters in the end. How can nobody see that?" I feel frustrated, but I don't know why exactly. I also had no idea while I was alive. I fought those battles, too, first for this, then for that, and never gave a thought as to where it all might lead. I want something but I don't know what it is.

"You want to go back, don't you Beatrice?" My mother seems to answer my question. "You want to help them."

I do want to go back. But I also want to understand why I want to go back. "We all thought it was so important to show people who we are. The Amity with their exaggerated happiness, the Dauntless with their pointless stunts to prove how brave they are, the Candor with all their loud talk… Even the Abnegation, though they deny the self, somehow they still parade their selflessness around like some trophy with the gray clothes, the pulled back hair, the quiet demeanor. Outside the experiment in the compound it was different somehow, but it really wasn't. There it was about being GP or GD and which side you were on in the role genetic manipulation has taken in our country's history." I shake my head, the head I no longer have. I'm beginning to feel exasperated and something else, too. It's a strange feeling, like the tiniest tugging sensation from within me. "What we don't see is that it doesn't matter what we call ourselves and how we dress and what we think is most important. In the end, we will all come here and we will see for ourselves what truly matters. There is so much beauty which we either overlook or destroy. We should be living lives of joy and love, helping everyone around us to progress and also live lives of joy and love. That's what matters in the end."

My mother seems distant. She shakes her head. "You're right, dear. You're right, but it's not as easy as it looks from here." She sounds sad.

I look to her and now I see she truly is distant. The tugging feeling has grown stronger and there is a darkness surrounding me slowly. Suddenly I feel afraid. "Mother?"

She smiles at me sadly. "It brings me such joy to see who you have become. I will wait for you here, my love, but you know now that I'm not really far away from you."

I nod. I understand now. I do. I have to go back, but this world isn't really separate from the other. They, too, are one, it's just not easy to see that from down there. The darkness surrounds me more and more and I surrender to it. I have one last sudden thought, "Will I remember this Mother?"

She is a faint speck of light in my vision. I hear her voice as clearly as if she were standing by me, though. "If you will it."

The darkness envelops me.


	3. Chapter 3

Thanks so much for the reviews! I'm uploading two more chapters now. :)

Chapter Three

FOUR'S POV:

After what seems like a very long time, the door finally opens. I have been staring at it so firmly that I'm caught off guard by this sudden movement and I jump back in surprise. A middle-aged doctor slowly emerges looking very tired. Before he's quite finished opening the door, I am on him.

"How…" my voice breaks. My throat is dry from standing there motionless. I swallow painfully and try again, "How is she?"

The doctor seems surprised. I see behind him that this door doesn't lead into a patient's room as I had suspected but into a short hall with another door on the other side. I think this is the entrance to an operating room. He scratches his balding head and clears his throat.

"You're Tobias Eaton, right?" he says, as if he hadn't been watching my life avidly on those screens all this time.

"Yes," I answer impatiently.

"You've been informed of what happened?" he asks.

"Yes," I repeat, the strain of remaining civil fraying at my nerves.

He scratches his head again. Somewhere deep within me I sympathize with this man that has spent the past 10 hours in an operating room trying to save my girlfriend's life, but my despair overwhelms this feeling of compassion.

"She has been… stabilized. The first few hours were a real battle, we didn't know if she would survive. We nearly lost her several times, and once her heartbeat stopped for nearly four minutes. Now she has entered a state of coma. Her vitals are weak but constant. We've done all we can to stop the bleeding and repair the most serious damage. The rest will have to wait until she's had some time to rest and her body can recover a bit." He stops, seeming to be finished. I remain where I stand. His words have immobilized me.

The doctor squints at me slightly, then sighs. He seems to think I need more explanation, so he goes on, "Three bullets entered her body from a close range, so it was quite a lot of damage. One bullet entered her back, near the ribs." He points to a spot on the left side of his own body, just below where the ribcage begins above the kidney. "It made its way through her and exited at the front." Again, he points at his body, at a spot on the left side of his stomach where the ribcage ends. "Luckily, or rather, miraculously, no organs were pierced. Another bullet entered her back near her shoulder." He points again to his own body, struggling to show me the spot just below his shoulder blade. "That bullet caused the most damage because it grazed her right lung. It missed her heart by inches. That bullet we managed to remove. And the third bullet entered her right leg." He points to the back of his upper thigh. "It will remain there for the time being. That she is still alive is incredible, but we really can't say what will happen from here. We still don't know if she'll survive or if she will ever wake from this coma, and if she does, we have no idea how much permanent damage there may be. We don't know if her brain is still functioning properly because of the lack of oxygen when her heart stopped. We don't know if her lung will be able to recover and if we'll be able to remove her from the respirator. There's just a lot that we don't know. All I can say is that she is stable for the moment. The next 48 hours will be crucial to determine her chance of survival and after that…" he shrugs. "We'll just have to see."

He peers at me again, seemingly unsatisfied with my lack of any reaction. "Do you understand what I'm saying, Mr. Eaton?" he asks in a gentle tone.

It takes a while, but slowly I nod. I clear my throat, "Thank you, doctor."

He seems satisfied. He puts his hand on my shoulder and squeezes. "It's good for her if you're nearby. I can't explain it, but I've always felt that patients in critical condition can feel the presence of their loved ones. As soon as she is moved into her room, you should join her. Just hang in there." He squeezes my shoulder again and walks away.

This short conversation (or maybe it was the six hours standing in front of the door) has left me feeling drained. I feel like I can no longer stand upright. My muscles are stiff and aching. I lean against the wall, resisting the sudden urge to vomit.

In the time since I have taken up my post there has been little movement in this hall. Christina came with Caleb after some time. She cried and he cried and I stared stoically at my door. They tried to speak to me, to comfort me, but I was unwilling to accept it, so they finally gave it up and stood next to me for a while. Finally they gave that up too and left. Once, a doctor came out of a door farther down the hall and passed me, and two nurses did the same. They gave me odd looks but carried on. Now, after all my waiting, I finally got what I had been waiting for – some more information. And somehow that only made me feel worse.

I imagine my Tris, small and pale, in a sterile room surrounded by machines and doctors, bloody cloths everywhere. I ball my hands into fists so tight my arms start to shake. She is strong but she is also so small – will her body be able to handle this? How can I stand here like this while she is in there in such a state? I breathe deeply through my nose, trying and failing yet again to calm myself.

Suddenly the door opens again, this time wider. Several people are walking out of the short hallway and I can see the door beyond is also open, leading into a surgery prep room. The nurses and doctors are removing their dirty surgery clothes and throwing them into large trash bins and then walking out. It seems it's time to move her already. My heart leaps. Soon I'll be able to see her!

The doctors and nurses all look nearly as tired as the first doctor. I see pity in their eyes as they pass me. I hate them for it because I know it means that they have given up on Tris already. Some murmur quiet words of solace, one nurse touches my arm and says not to lose hope. I thank her quite honestly.

She sees me looking anxiously into the room and tells me, "She won't be coming out this way. This is the staff entrance. There is another door on the other side; from there they'll take her straight into her room."

I look at the nurse, while probably failing at hiding my desperation. "Where can I find her?"

She explains the way to the patients' rooms in intensive care briefly and tells me her room number, I thank her and take off running again. Despite how exhausted I was just feeling, I run fast and hard, energy surging through my body. Soon. Soon I will be able to see her and hold her hand. Soon.

I turn the last corner and enter the hall at a walk. The rooms here are large and filled with machines and devices. They all have wide windows facing the halls with blinds to cover them. Most of the blinds are open and the rooms empty. I walk down the hallway, looking at the room numbers as I pass. C104 is the one I need. Finally I know I am getting close: C98, C100, C102… I start to tremble. I don't have the courage to raise my eyes from the room number sign in front of me, fearing what I might see. Then, there is movement coming from the end of the hall. I look up and I see three people entering the hall rolling a bed between them. They're still too distant to see who it is, but I know.

I want to run to her. I want to run away. I am frozen in my spot. This is my greatest fear coming to life and here I cannot fight it like in the simulations, I can't manipulate reality to make it end. I close my eyes.

"Sir, please stay back. This woman is in critical condition." The nurse walking ahead of the bed calls to me.

Another nurse looks at me more closely and says, "Mae, that's the Eaton kid. He's her boyfriend."

The first nurse sniffs. "All the more reason to stay back, I say. He'll probably try and hug her or kiss her or something and then get her killed, Tom!"

I make a strangled noise and take several steps back. The nurse nods with satisfaction and they roll the bed into the room. Finally, finally, I get a glimpse of her. She is covered from toe to neck with a thin blanket so I can't see the mess her body has become. I am thankful. But I see her face, her beautiful face. Her hair is lank and dull behind her head and she is oh so pale, there are tubes and wires coming out of her everywhere and she is connected to a respirator which the third person, a doctor by her clothes, is wheeling along behind the bed, but she is alive. I have never seen a more beautiful sight. I try to swallow her with my eyes, try to gather up every inch of her I can. Then she is in the room.

Thankfully the nurses and doctor leave the blinds open, so I slowly walk to stand in front of her window. I watch them adjust her to this new room, moving about her, detaching and attaching tubes left and right. The doctor scribbles furiously in a clipboard hanging at the foot of the bed.

Finally, they seem satisfied and leave the room.

The nurse, Mae, looks at me sharply and says, "You, sir, have to come with us."

Panic takes a hold of me. I will not even consider leaving Tris's sight. I'm beginning to contemplate my possibilities: beg, simply refuse to leave, even violence, when the doctor places her hand on Mae's arm and quietly says, "It's ok Mae. He's afraid for her. Let him stay. What harm can it do at this point?"

The nurse squints at the doctor and then directs her glare towards me and lifts a finger under my nose. "Mr. Eaton, your little girlfriend has gone through terrible trauma. What she needs now is rest. She is in critical condition. You are, under no circumstances, to go in there. Do you understand me?" I nod at her, too frightened and too relieved to even be angry at her patronizing tone.

The doctor pulls Mae by the arm and the three of them leave.

After one shaky breath I return to where I was, my nose nearly touching the window. I look at her, somehow thinking that if only I stare hard enough, she will awake and she will be fine.

This is where I will stay.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

TRIS's POV:

I was a being of light, life, emotion and thought.

Now I am a being of pain and darkness.

I saw all, knew all. I was aware.

Now I see nothing, know only pain, am aware only of darkness.

Who am I? What am I?

My world is darkness. My existence is pain. They seem to me somehow so related, I sometimes can't tell them apart. There is a heaviness to it all, a weight that overwhelms me and keeps me down.

I remember vaguely a time that was different than this. I remember light and movement and energy. I remember such a thing as emotions. I remember good. (What is good?) And somewhere deep in the recesses of my mind, perhaps of my soul, there is another memory. The shadow of a memory, faint as a breeze. But every time I grow closer to it, it escapes me. I return to my world of darkness and pain.

There is no time.

Somehow, though, I notice a change. It comes so slowly, so gradually, so gruelingly and painfully, that I don't even notice it at first. But then I see. The darkness is… not receding, no. Becoming lighter. As if to say that the sky just before dawn is lighter than the midnight sky. I start noticing something… a movement. And soon I realize I am in an ocean of darkness. I am surrounded by waves that push me ever so slowly back and forth. Back and forth, back and forth. This movement tickles that memory deep within me. I have been in an ocean before. But it wasn't black, it was blue, blue like… Like what? I lose myself in my ocean of pain.

And so it goes on and on. I notice the changes, achieved through pain and suffering. Every change reminds of some forgotten time I can almost remember. The ocean grows gradually lighter. The waves grow stronger.

I have no notion of time. All I have is the movement of the ocean and the lightening shades of black. And the memory.

I remember a woman with no body.

Do I have a body? I must have a body because it hurts so much.

I remember a deep, dark blue, diving in it. It was like this ocean I am in now, only it wasn't an ocean of pain and suffering, I was happy there.

I remember happiness. At first the word seems foreign and strange. But then I remember. I remember laughter, I remember delight, I remember surprise, I remember pleasure. I remember love. Burning hot and intense. Happiness and love. These memories become beacons of light in my dark ocean. Like a distant lighthouse whispering tales of home.

Home. I hungrily add this to my list of memories.

What is home? Where is home?

More memories come. At first slowly, painfully, but then more and more, faster and faster. My waves are no longer slow, they too grow ever faster, tossing me and turning me. The black gives way to a blue so dark at first I don't know it's blue.

I remember seeing the entire world. I remember seeing everything. I remember feeling everything. I remember feeling that we are all one.

Who are we?

I don't know and I don't care. I just remember.

I remember everything there is to remember. I remember the world is broken. I remember I knew, once, that we can make it whole again. I remember a sad smile. I remember someone letting me go back to this place. (Why would I want to come back to this place?) I remember two worlds that are in truth but one.

My ocean rages now. The waves heave me and crash on me and instead of being more afraid, I grow ever calmer. My world is blue now. It is a deep dark blue, just like… Just like… Like a color so familiar to me it must be my own. Like the color of… home. (Home!)

It is the color of his eyes. His eyes.

Whose eyes?

Tobias.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's note: Thanks so much for the follows, favorites and reviews! It makes this whole experience way more worthwhile. This chapter is a bit longer than usual. I know not much has been happening so far, but I hope to get more to the plot soon. I hope it's not getting boring yet. Enjoy!**

Chapter 5

Four's POV

I wake up with a start. For a second I am confused, but the sterile environment of the hospital quickly reminds me of where I am. I stand up from my chair and rush to the window. Tris lies there just as she has since they first placed her in there. I watch the steady rise and fall of her chest with each breath. It has become a pastime of mine, it comforts me. I know that this obsession I'm creating is senseless, dangerous even, but I can't help myself. It's like her life has somehow become tethered to my own – where she goes, so I go. I sigh. Thoughts like that aren't helping.

I have been here in front of her room for the past 40 hours. Add to that the six I spent in front of the operating room and that almost makes two days. I've only left to go to a nearby restroom. People have come and gone: Christina, Caleb, Matthew, Zeke, Shauna, Amar and George. Other people I don't know. They've spoken to me. I can't remember anything anyone said. I remember giving vague replies or grunts for answers, or simply ignoring them. The nurses have brought me food and drinks; the only thing I've had is a few cups of water. At some point, Amar brought me a chair, which I finally accepted after some insistence on his part. But now I see I shouldn't have. It's the third time I've fallen asleep while sitting down. If something happens and I am asleep…

Of the many people who have been trying to get my attention lately, only the doctors have been successful. Any doctor I see I hunt down and grill with questions. They've been surprisingly patient and forthcoming with me, and it's been utterly unsatisfying nonetheless – all they can really say is that they don't know. But I can tell they're happy about her progress. She's been steady this entire time, no crashes, no sudden drops in heart rate or blood pressure. They say it seems she is getting stronger. We're passing the critical period where her life hangs in the balance. Now it's all about the coma. Will she wake up?

I raise my hand to my forehead, trying to soothe my headache by massaging my temples. It's been throbbing for a while now. Somehow I have to make it through this. I have to remain awake long enough to make sure… Make sure… Of what?

I realize that the lack of sleep is taking its toll. My mind is foggy and dim. The only clear thought I have is that I have to stay here. Close to Tris. It's all I have.

I watch her breathing. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

"This is ridiculous," a deep voice says right next to me. I jump. I must have somehow fallen asleep while standing! It was the rhythmic rise and fall of her chest, that must have made me fall asleep, I think. I scowl, angry at myself for falling asleep again, and turn towards the owner of the voice. It's Dr. Cooke. He's a neurologist and will be the main physician in charge of Tris now that the immediate life danger is over. He's apparently something of a coma expert and an avid opponent of the whole GD/GP movement. "Mr. Eaton, you're falling asleep standing. We've been trying for days to get you away from this room, this has gone too far."

So far I've liked Dr. Cooke. I hope he hasn't come here to change my mind about that. I try to clear my thoughts so I can reason with him, but he doesn't give me a chance.

"Look, normally you wouldn't even be allowed to be here. Because of the nature of the case and the fact that most of these rooms are empty, we've made an exception for you. We didn't realize we would be doing so at your own personal cost. You haven't eaten once, you've only been drinking enough so as not to pass out, and" he sniffed the air in front of me, "you stink. Besides which, you have been here for nearly two days without break."

I want to protest that that's not true, I have left a few times to go to the bathroom, and even that felt like hell and seemed an eternity, but I seem to be having a hard time making my mouth obey me. Again, Dr. Cooke is faster. "Mr. Eaton, you aren't going to like this, but you'll thank me in the end. I think we need to make a deal, you and I."

All I can do is stare at him. A deal?

"Ok, so here's the deal. You have to" he raises his index finger to show this is his first demand, "eat. Three times a day. Meals will be brought to you by the nurses, but you have to eat them and you have to drink enough." He raises his middle finger to join the first finger. "You have go for a walk once a day outside of this hospital. Do it alone, do it with your friends, during the day, at night, I don't care. But get some fresh air and some movement." A third finger goes up. "You have to sleep. Right now. I want you to find a bed somewhere and sleep for at least six hours. After that, you are to sleep at least six hours every day. No exceptions." I continue staring at him. He can't be serious. Then he adds another finger, "And you have to take a shower. Every day. Beginning right now, do that even before you go to sleep. The smell of you might be harmful to her health and it certainly is harmful to all of us who have to pass by you all the time."

I think I might actually laugh. Does he really think this is happening?

I finally manage to formulate a clear thought. "You said a deal," I say. "What do I get from this?"

"Other than the relief of remaining alive to actually witness your girlfriend possibly getting better?" he asks in an exasperated tone. "You get to stay here and watch Miss Prior."

I narrow my eyes. "That's what I've been doing all along."

Dr. Cooke smiles. "Yes. And if you don't comply with these very simple demands, you won't be allowed to remain here anymore. We will sedate you and remove you by force if need be, Mr. Eaton. But nobody wants that, so just do as I ask. Soon you'll see how it will actually make you feel better."

I'm incredulous. This calm, gentle man has just thoroughly defeated my attempts and I'm so tired I can't even think clearly enough to argue with him. He seems to notice my resignation because he rubs his hands together and calls a nurse. Before she arrives, I have another clear thought.

"I want to stay here." Dr. Cooke snorts in annoyance. "No," I say quickly. "I mean, to sleep. And shower. There must be beds and showers somewhere in the hospital." He eyes me critically and then nods.

The nurse arrives shortly and he tells her 'Our friend is going to take a shower and then sleep. I promised him we would find him a place to stay in the hospital, would you be so kind and help him?" The nurse looks at me. She too seems exasperated and relieved that I'm finally going somewhere else. "I would be very happy to do so. Come with me, Mr. Eaton." Dr. Cooke smiles pleasantly at me as I am ushered away. I can't decide whether I hate him or not.

The nurse talks incessantly as she shows me the way to a bathroom with showers and to an adjacent storage / sleeping room. It's a small, dark room lined with boxes with medical equipment on the one side and a bunk bed on the other. She tells me she will prepare my bed while I shower. "No one ever comes in here so you should be fine sleeping here every night until your friend gets better." My heart gushes with affection for this chatty woman when she says that. She, at least, seems to believe Tris will get better.

I am returning to the bathroom when I notice that I have no fresh clothes to put on. I shrug. Dr. Cooke never said anything about changing clothes. Luckily the nurse thought to bring me a towel. I go inside and take a shower. The effect of the cool water on my head is immediate: I already feel better, my thoughts clearer, my headache less intense. Maybe Dr. Cooke is right about that at least.

I get out of the shower and dry myself off, then hear a soft cough coming from behind me. It's Zeke, standing there grinning at me. At his feet lies a black duffle bag. It looks full. "Going somewhere?" I ask as I finish drying myself.

Zeke's eyebrows rise in mock surprise. "Four? Did you just… speak to me? Did you just… was that a joke?" He pretends to be shocked.

I roll my eyes. "What's with the bag?"

"This," he says and pushes the bag towards me with his foot, "is a token of my love for you. And of this hospital's love for you."

I frown. What? Zeke just keeps grinning at me. I look at the bag and then open it. It's stuffed with my clothes. I don't know why, but the gesture touches me. "Zeke, this is…"

"Your clothes. I know."

I look up at him and then pull him into an embrace. "Thanks, man." He hugs me back for a moment, then pushes me away, "Man, you're not wearing anything!" I laugh. I don't remember when I last laughed. Maybe Dr. Cooke is on to something. I quickly put on some clothes and throw my dirty ones in a plastic bag Zeke has also provided me with. I rumple my nose at the clothes. I _did_ stink.

Zeke walks me to my new room and then puts his arm around my shoulder and says, "Sweet dreams, darling." I try to punch him but he blocks me easily, I'm so weak.

"Wait till I've gotten some sleep, then we'll see how this goes." Zeke just yawns and starts walking away. I grin at him and then open the door. It was good to joke around again. I had been shutting everyone out all this time, but how was that helping Tris? I lay down in my bed and am suddenly overwhelmed by grief. I don't know how I'm going to survive these next few days and weeks. This is worse than anything we've ever been through because I'm so helpless. There's no enemy to fight. I promised myself I would protect her, but how can I protect her from this?

I fall asleep with the image of Tris's face in my mind.

(page break)

I awake suddenly. I was having a nightmare. In it, I knew someone was trying to kill Tris but the killer's face kept changing every few seconds. We ran and ran but we were constantly surrounded by people, never knowing who it could be. Soon I started killing every person that got near us. I shudder.

I yawn and stretch as I try to banish the dream from my mind. Suddenly I remember where I am and jump out of the bed. Tris!

I run to her room. She lies there, still attached to the machines, still breathing gently. She looks unchanged. I wonder how long I've slept. Just then a nurse comes. "Mr. Eaton! Back so soon!" It's the same nurse from last night.

"How long have I have been gone?" I ask.

She looks at her watch. "I'd say about eight hours."

"Eight hours?! Did…" I look back at Tris. "Did anything happen?"

The nurse smiles at me. "No. She's been just like that. Almost like she's sleeping." She looks fondly at Tris. Almost, I think. "My shift is just ending," she goes on, "but I'll get you some breakfast." She's gone before I can answer and back very soon.

The breakfast consists of two white rolls with butter and a clear broth. I'm surprised by this, but I take it without comment. I sit down in my chair and eat. The nurse goes in to check on Tris one last time. She says good-bye to me with a smile and leaves. She reminds me of the Amity.

After a few bites of the roll and some broth I understand why I've been given this breakfast. Not eating for so long has made my stomach unaccustomed to food. I can hear my stomach rumbling. I eat everything though and actually wish there were more when it's gone.

My morning is uneventful. I sit. I stand. I pace. I sit again. I think of Tris, of us, of all that's happened. We were supposed be getting a chance at being together under more normal conditions. Our relationship started the day before all of this began, it can't be that it ends the day it's all over. I wonder what we would be like under different circumstances. I remember how her eyes light up when she's afraid, how she suddenly seems so awake. I wish so much I could see her like that now.

At midday I am brought another meal. Another white roll, plain chicken breast, peas. Abnegation food. This kind of food used to make me feel uncomfortable, but now it makes me think of Tris and the orderly rows of grey houses, the quiet, calm feel of Abnegation. The part of Abnegation I never really got to experience but that somehow seems such an integral part of Tris. I eat slowly, savoring my plain meal.

After lunch visitors start coming. Christina comes with Zeke and Cara. I realize how the girls seem uncomfortable around me, like they don't know how to act. I must have really been a jerk the past few days. But Zeke is relaxed and funny, he slowly gets me to come out of my shell. Soon, it feels more normal to speak to people again. I realize I'm not betraying Tris by letting myself enjoy other people's company. Caleb joins me for the whole afternoon. We don't speak, he just a pulls up a chair and sits next to me and stares at her. Matthew joins us shortly, as does Cara. The doctors give us an update around 5 in the evening. After they're finished, Dr. Cooke approaches me.

"So, Mr. Eaton, how are you?" There's a twinkle in his eye when he says it. I feel embarrassed about how I was behaving before.

"Much better." I say. Then I grudgingly add, "Thank you." He opens his hand in a wide gesture, as if to say that he had done nothing. I guess I do like him. "How about that walk? I'm just leaving now, you could walk back to the main building with me." At first the suggestion makes me nervous, but I look back at Tris and then finally nod to him. "OK,"I say.

We walk out of the hospital and onto the paved path leading back to the main building. It's a short five minute walk. We don't speak. I'm outside for the first time in three days and it really is nice. The air is starting to get crisp, the first leaves on the trees are changing colors. A cool wind blows in my face and it feels like I haven't breathed so well once in all this time. When we're nearly at the end, I can't resist one question, "Dr., will she wake up and be ok?"

He doesn't reply immediately. He looks into my eyes as if searching for something. I wonder if he can see my despair in there, if he can see how much I _need_ him to tell me that she will be better. He sighs. "Mr. Eaton, you know I can't answer that question. Not as you would like me to." I slump back. I had hoped, but I knew he wouldn't give me an answer. The doctors have been telling us to be patient for days, not wanting to give us any clues, too scared we might have too much hope and then be disappointed. I don't understand it. Isn't it better to have hope? I feel like hope is all I have. I remember the little flame in my chest when Cara first gave me the news. I nod and turn to leave, but he catches my shirtsleeve.

"That doesn't mean I can't give you any answer." I look back at him curiously. He goes on. "The body is a wondrous thing and the mind even more so; you must understand, it's all very complex." I nod to show him I do understand, even though I know I don't really. "We're fairly certain what caused the coma was lack of oxygen to her brain while her heart had stopped. Her heart failed several times in the first few hours, but only once did it last longer than a few seconds, in which case it took us close to four minutes to get her back. Her brain is slightly swollen. We've been keeping her cool and administering the proper medication for this and it seems to be helping. The swelling is going down. Tomorrow we will do a CT scan and start with EEGs to see about her brain activity. I have hope that we will find something. How much, I can't say. But it's not just her brain and the lack of oxygen that troubles me. Being dead for four minutes certainly isn't good for the brain, but it's not such a long time that the brain shouldn't be able to recover under suitable conditions. But these are not suitable conditions. She experienced great trauma and lost a lot of blood. I worry about her heart, though each passing hour makes me feel more confident she won't fall into heart arrest again. I guess the real question at this point is: is she strong enough? Her body has to find great reserves of strength to overcome this." Dr. Cooke looks me in the eyes again. He seems to be waiting for my reaction.

I think about his words. It makes sense. It's not one thing that's making her situation complicated, it's the combination of things. But if strength is what will help her most, as he seems to think, then I believe this is the best news I've received in days. Because Tris is strong. My eyes have unexpectedly filled with tears. "I think you've just given me good news, Dr. Cooke. I know she's small and not very strong in a physical way, but Tris has strength. More strength than anyone I know." He nods. He seems to approve.

"I don't know her as well as you do, Mr. Eaton, but I believe you're right." With that, he nods again and turns away.

I stand there for a while. Finally I brush away my tears and walk back to the hospital. I also have to be strong, like Tris. I'm ashamed of my behavior these past two days, of my abrasive and obsessive manner, but I will take that shame and turn it into strength. I will be strong for her.

(page break)

The next week passes by more quickly than I would have thought possible. I abide by Dr. Cooke's rules. I talk to people again, they talk to me. I'm not quite kind, but that never was my strength. I'm usually civil. I receive several daily updates on Tris (which never include any real news) and now I'm also informed on what's been going on in the city and the compound, since people apparently perceive me as being approachable again.

Chicago is a mess. Several meetings have taken place throughout the city to inform everyone of the changes, but there are way more questions than answers going around. There's been some rioting and violence. Johanna is the only leader left and she has called for an election, but how and when and for what is all still open. Someone told me yesterday that Marcus has disappeared. I realize I don't care. Amar went to pick up Evelyn in my place; I didn't even think of her for a second. I know she is at the compound but I haven't seen her yet and I'm glad for it - there's no way I can possibly deal with sorting out my feelings for her at this moment, especially since I know she doesn't like Tris. I can't shake off the idea she is actually hoping Tris won't make it and the thought makes my insides harden into stone. And Evelyn isn't the only one who has come to the compound now that the city is open. I wish people would stop telling me about the outside world, I just want to shut it out and focus only on Tris now.

The compound seems to be no less complicated: everyone who has been affected by the memory serum is being 're-educated' on who they are and what they believe. They are being taught that genetic damage isn't the cause of the world's problems and that it's time to end the discrimination of the so-called genetically damaged. The Bureau has been given some version of events and will probably be in touch soon with more questions.

Reprogramming people's minds seems to be grueling work, so I'm glad I don't take part in it. I'm especially glad because it keeps me from seeing David. Amar has shown me where the guards here train and I've added an hour of daily training to my schedule. It feels good to use my muscles, to let all the tension out on punching bags, since I can't let it out on David.

On the fourth day the doctors finally started allowing visitors to enter her room. Only one person at a time is allowed inside for four hours each day. The first day I go in and am in such awe that I will finally be able to touch her again, to feel her skin on mine, that I almost just stay standing at the door. But soon I work up the courage to walk over to her bed. I look at her, drinking her in. She is smaller and paler than usual. She looks so frail. Her face is expressionless. I yearn for her to open her eyes, to look at me and smile as she used to. It's like she's there but she's not really there. At some point I finally manage to touch her hand. Her skin in cool and soft. There is no electricity in this touch. I sigh.

I take her hand in mine and lean down to hold it to my cheek. Emotion overcomes me. The fear, the helplessness, the waiting, it just builds up inside of me like a river swelling and I am the dam. I will have to burst eventually. Sometimes I feel that if she had died in the Weapon's Lab it would have been easier to deal with than this. I hate myself for this thought, but somehow I also know that there is truth to it. "Tris," I say. "If you can hear me… Please know that I am here. I am here waiting for you to come back. I need you, Tris." At this my voice breaks and tears begin to stream down my face. I can't stop it. I haven't cried for so many years, but this … this is more than I can take. So I cry.

A gentle knock at the door brings me back to reality. I look out the window. There is a nurse there pointing at his watch. I've been sitting here in the bed with Tris's hand in mine for the last four hours. I brush my lips against her forehead. "I love you, Tris" I say and leave the room.

(page break)

When the time comes to visit Tris again, I am there, ready for more time with her. Just as I am about to enter the room, Christina comes around the corner with a jar of flowers in her hand. "Four, can you take these in with you? They're for Tris." I look at the flowers. They're yellow and orange and look full of life, like a sunny day. Perfect. Like hope. I look back at Christina. There are tears in her eyes. And I see Caleb sitting in his chair in the hall, his eyes trained on Tris. I realize then how selfish I've been. I'm not the only person who loves her and she deserves to know that, feel that. I hand the flowers back to Christina. "Why don't you give them to her?" I say.

Her eyes light up in surprise. "Really? Oh, Four, thank you, I promise I won't be long." She takes the flowers back and rushes inside.

I look at Caleb. He, too, seems surprised. "You should go in after her." He stares at me incredulously. "But leave me some time with her too, will you." Caleb nods emphatically.

Christina sits down on the chair next to Tris's bed and takes her hand. She talks to her the entire time. Sometimes she cries, sometimes she doesn't, but she's always talking. Once, she even laughs. After an hour she leaves the room. She walks over to me, and without a word, gives me a strong hug. Then she looks up at me for a moment and leaves.

Caleb is next. He is hesitant to enter the room. He slowly enters and sits down. After a while he awkwardly takes his sister's hand and strokes it. He says something and then breaks down crying. Soon he leans his head on her arm and spends an hour like that crying. At some point his tears must have run dry because he dries his face and his nose on his sleeve and gets up and leaves.

I enter after him. I sit on the bed again and take her hand in mine and hold it. I wonder if it's good to talk like Christina did. I don't know what to say, though. All I can think of is that I want her back. I want her back. So I remain there silently holding her hand until a nurse comes to tell me it's time.

(page break)

When I arrive at Tris's room after my shower on the tenth day there is a group of doctors standing in front. They're talking quietly, but they seem excited. Fear and excitement course through me equally. They get quiet as I near them. Dr. Cooke is among them and he smiles at me.

"Mr. Eaton. We've just gotten the newest test results. As you know, so far we have been getting some brain activity but not much. As we compare the data of the past few days we see though that there has been a gradual increase day by day. It's always small, almost unnoticeable, but in total it's something. Today, for the first time it seems there has been a change in this pattern. We've noticed a considerable increase in Miss Prior's brain activity compared to yesterday morning. And it seems she is also breathing on her own sometimes. The respirator is still necessary, but it's a great improvement."

I'm elated. This sounds like really good news!

Dr. Cooke asks, "Did you notice anything while you were visiting her yesterday, Mr. Eaton?"

I think back"I don't know… There was one moment, but I thought I just imagined it."

The doctors are now all looking at me very seriously. "Please tell us," one of them says.

"When I was in there with her yesterday it was like all the other days. She didn't react to anything I said, or to my touch or anything, but when the nurse opened the door and called my name, I thought I felt a slight pressure in my hand. When I looked back down at her hand it was slack like it had been, so I thought it was just my imagination." I feel uncomfortable under all their scrutinizing stares.

"The nurse called you?" Dr. Cooke asks.

"Yeah. She said 'Tobias, it's time'." I reply.

He nods as if to himself and then he asks me to please pay very careful attention to Tris the next time I visit her and be sure to let him know if anything else like that happens. I nod and sit down in my chair to observe Tris carefully. I'll have to tell everyone else to watch out also.

(page break)

It's the twelfth day since Tris was shot. She's still in a coma, but her situation has changed a lot in the past days. Today the doctors have removed her from the respirator because she is breathing on her own. She moves sometimes, her hand twitches, her lips move, her eyes roll around. Sometimes she even opens her mouth. Once, she reacted to a flashlight shining in her eyes. And she twitched when her foot was pricked. Her brain activity is constantly increasing. Dr. Cooke says it's almost like she is asleep now. Now three people are allowed to visit her at once. Today, Zeke, Christina and I spent two hours with her in there. We talked to her, stroked her hair, held her hand, hugged her and we talked to each other. Zeke got Christina and I laughing so hard our sides hurt. I swear I thought I saw the corners of Tris's lips turn up while we were laughing.

Dr. Cooke always nods approvingly when he sees us with her – I'm pretty sure he's convinced we can help her be strong. I notice how he always talks to her when he's examining her.

These past two weeks have been hell for all of us, but for me especially, I think. And Caleb. We still don't talk much, but I'm beginning to feel my anger at him slowly ebb away. How can I stay mad at him when he's this miserable? Caleb hasn't been talking to anyone much and there aren't exactly people lining up to be his friends. He seems to be getting along with Cara and Matthew, but it isn't the same as having someone around who actually knew Chris like the others do. I guess I'm starting to feel sorry for Caleb.

This thought catches me off guard. Feel sorry for Caleb? After all he did to her? I think this whole experience is wearing at me so much I'm becoming weak. I decide to go train for a while. The punching bags will help me.

I try to imagine they're Caleb, but I can't. So I imagine they're David instead. Everyone has been doing a good job of keeping him away from me. They're careful not talk about him near me, but I've heard people defend him. They say he's a different person since he lost his memory. I don't care. I still think he should die.

After an hour and a half of training, my muscles ache and my knuckles sting. I take a shower. Maybe the nurses will let me inside Tris's room again tonight before I go to sleep, just for a few minutes. They've been more lenient lately, so who knows?

I stand in front of her room, looking in the window. I can't help but notice that she looks better somehow. She looks less pale, more alive. A nurse passes and I try to act meek as I ask if I might have a few more minutes inside with her. The nurses exhales loudly through her nose and looks around as if afraid that someone might overhear. "All right, Tobias. But only for a few minutes."

I thank her and rush into the room. I'm surprised. I didn't think I could manage meek, but I already know intimidating does nothing for me here.

Tris's lips are moving and her eyes are rolling back and forth in her head. I hurry over to her.

"Tris?" I say softly. She continues without change.

"Tris, it's me Tobias. I'm here, Tris. Can you hear me?" There's no change in her, if anything, she seems to be moving faster.

I look at her. I hate feeling so helpless. I place my hands on her cheek so I'm holding her head, then I lean over her and kiss her lips. Her mouth is so soft. I've never felt such pain from a kiss. I kiss her again.

She stops moving her eyes and her lips slowly become still. I release her head and take her hands in mine. I squeeze them, then, after a few seconds, I feel her squeezing back. My heart jumps. I squeeze her hands again. Again, she squeezes back. This is what Dr. Cooke has been telling us to look out for! Reactions!

I want to call the nurse back, to tell her to get Dr. Cooke, but I'm afraid of letting go of her hands, I'm afraid I'll lose this connection we've managed to establish. I know she's somewhere in there, trying so hard to get back to us.

"Tris," I say gently. "It's me. I know you're trying to come back to us, Tris. I know. And I know you're strong, you're strong enough to make it to us. Be brave, Tris." I squeeze her hands twice. And then I wait. 5, 10, 15 agonizing seconds pass. Then I feel her squeeze back. Once. Twice.

It feels like a triumph. I kiss her again and then I reluctantly release one of her hands to push the button to call the nurse. She rushes back soon and I ask her to call Dr. Cooke. He arrives quickly. I tell him what happened and he seems excited. He thanks me and so I step away from the bed. Dr. Cooke takes my place and begins speaking to Tris, pricking her with nails, shining his flashlight in her eyes… She seems to respond to everything in some way or another. After a while, he is satisfied. He turns to me.

"These are very good signs. In the beginning she was completely unresponsive, I guess you could say in a very deep comatose state. That's bad sign. But she's been getting much more responsive the past days." He puts his hand on my shoulder and squeezes. "Let's have hope this will end soon, Mr. Eaton." I lean back and close my eyes. I exhale slowly. Hope this will end soon. Not just end, but soon. I open my eyes and give Dr. Cooke a thankful smile. I give Tris one last kiss on the forehead, whisper "You never cease to amaze me," in her ear and go to sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's note: Thanks so much for the kind reviews, the follows and favorites! I'm so glad you guys like this story! Here's another chapter. I won't be able to update again for over a week, so this one has both a Tris and Four POV to make up for that. :) Thanks again!**

Chapter Six

Tris's POV:

Tobias.

Remembering his name causes an avalanche of memories to come pouring over me. I know who I am. I am Beatrice Prior. My parents are Natalie and Andrew Prior. My brother is Caleb. I grew up in the only city I knew. I didn't know that then, but this city is called Chicago. I was raised in the Abnegation faction and there was much I loved about it, but I never felt I belonged there. My aptitude test told me I was divergent because I showed equal aptitude for Erudite, Dauntless and Abnegation. To de divergent was dangerous. I chose to join Dauntless. The initiation was harder than anything I had ever experienced, but I managed to make it through and became one of the Dauntless. Four, who I later found out is actually named Tobias, was my initiation instructor and during initiation we fell in love. He is now my boyfriend. A war took place in the city. I lost both my parents and several friends in this war. My brother betrayed me and joined the Erudite, nearly letting me get killed. Now the factions have been toppled, the factionless control the city and Tobias's mother Evelyn Johnson is the leader of Chicago. There is a group of rebels who call themselves the Allegiant and they want to fight to reinstate the faction system. They also want to learn what is outside the city so they sent a small group out. Tobias and I were a part of this group. We left and learned that everything we knew was a lie: our city is an experiment to help purify the genes of the so-called genetically damaged population. We don't believe that people are genetically damaged or that genetics can determine a person's character. We fought to stop the Bureau from erasing everyone's memories in Chicago and instead released the memory serum in the compound to erase the memory of all those at the compound who advocated the genetic purity of mankind. I was shot while releasing the memory serum. David shot me, but I was successful. I died, but now I am not dead anymore…

I have emerged out of that dark ocean I was lost in for an eternity. I know who I am. I am Beatrice Prior. I am Tris. My life is no longer mere fragments floating in the water, but one whole that I can make sense of. I can sense my body, I feel the pressure of the soft mattress underneath me. There is a dull pain somewhere deep within me, but it is easy to ignore. I can't see anything but I think it's because my eyes are closed. They refuse to open.

I try to sense my surroundings in some other way. Where am I? I must be in a hospital somewhere. Surely someone will come see me soon. I wait.

(page break)

I dream I am with my mother again. We are sitting on sand next to an ocean. The sun warms us and the crashing waves roar in our ears. She looks at me and smiles. I smile back, then close my eyes and enjoy the warmth of the sun and the salty smell in the air.

(page break)

I hear something. At first the sounds are muffled, I can't understand anything. It seems like voices but I can't tell. If only I could open my eyes! I listen carefully. Then I hear it, "Tobias, it's time," a woman's voice says. Tobias! He's here! I try to say something, to let him know I am here, to call him, anything, but I fail. I feel his hand release mine. I feel his lips brush against mine. Then nothing.

He doesn't know I'm here. How can that be? I wish I could cry.

(page break)

Another dream. This time I stand alone at the beach. The dark blue of the water reminds me of Tobias and it reminds me of something else, too. Some place I have been to. But I've never been to the ocean, have I? I shrug. I start to walk down the beach. The wind blows strongly and my short blond hair flies all around my head. I don't mind, I just keep walking. I don't know where to.

Suddenly I feel a sharp pain at the sole of my foot. I gasp and lift my foot and see that I've stepped on a scorpion. Its fat black tail is pointed in the air. I quickly step away. Then my other foot is stung. Another scorpion. As I look around I see hundreds, thousands of scorpions emerging from the sand all around me. I am no longer at the ocean (what ocean?), I stand in the middle of an endless desert and everywhere I look, black scorpions cover the Earth. I scream, yet no sound leaves my throat.

(page break)

I hear a door open. I hear footsteps. Someone is here. This is my chance, I have to let them know I'm here. I try so hard to say something. I try to make my mouth obey my mind with all my might, yet no sound escapes me. Then I hear him, "Tris?" It's Tobias. He's here. He's talking to me. He asks if I can hear him.

_Yes!_ I think. _Yes, I hear you!_

He doesn't notice how hard I'm trying. It doesn't work. Suddenly I feel his hands on my cheeks and then his lips on mine. He's kissing me! It hurts so much, to not be able to let him know that I can feel him here. He kisses me again. I give up my attempts. It just hurts too much.

Then I feel his hands release my face and grasp my own. I feel his hands squeezing mine. This is my chance. I focus all my strength, all my energy towards my hands. I make myself squeeze back. I don't know if it worked or not.

He squeezes again. Again, I try with all my might to squeeze back.

Tobias is talking to me again. He says he knows I am trying to come back to him. He knows I'm strong. I can't believe it. He seems to sense my struggle, but I can't reach him. Can I? It must have worked, I must have squeezed his hands back. He squeezes my hands again, twice this time.

I focus again as much as I can on my own hands and try to squeeze his hands. This time I feel it. I squeeze once. Twice.

Triumph! I feel elated. It's working, he knows I'm here!

There's movement from him, he releases one of my hands, does something I can't see. Soon I hear voices. He's calling the doctor!

When the doctor arrives I am ready. He squeezes my hands, pokes my feet, and points his light in my eyes. I try with all my might to react to everything. They have to know I am here. They have to help me.

The doctor talks to me, he tells me what he's doing. It's calming.

Soon he's gone. I feel someone kiss my head and then a mouth next to my ear, just touching it. Tobias's voice says, "You never cease to amaze me."

A warm feeling spreads through my chest. He is gone. I am alone again. But now I know I will make it through this, whatever this is. I am strong. I am brave.

(page break)

At first I was bewildered at my situation, but I understand now. I must be in some kind of deep sleep or a coma. Sometimes I dream and sometimes I can hear things around me. I hear people talking to me, talking to each other. I feel when they take my hand or stroke my hair. I know Tobias comes to see me often, but so do other people: doctors, Christina, Caleb, Zeke, Shauna, Matthew, Cara, even Hana, Zeke's mother came once. Last time I was "awake" I heard Tobias, Christina and Zeke talking to each other for a long time. Zeke was so funny, I thought I must have been laughing too. But I wasn't. Tobias tells me he misses me, he needs me, he begs me to come back. They all do. But I am here! I came back and I still can't reach them.

Of all the things I've been through these past months this is definitely the most difficult. It's like I'm here but I'm not. Sometimes I can think clearly and sometimes I can't, but I almost wish I could return to my ocean of pain. There at least I didn't understand what was going on. Now I know. I'm trapped in my own body.

At times despair takes hold of me and I don't know how I will survive this experience. I think I'm going insane. I'm sure some part of me is breaking beyond repair.

But then I remember my mother's voice telling me, "If you will it." I can't quite place that memory, but I understand its meaning. I have to will it and then it will be so. I remember the laughter of my friends around me and I know I have to be strong. I remember Tobias telling me he is amazed, I remember I managed to make contact one time, I remember I am strong. So I spend my time doing all I can to communicate to those around me that I am here, I have come back. I want to be fully and truly back. I do.

(page break)

Four's POV:

It is the sixteenth day since Tris has been shot. She's been more and more responsive each day. She even opened her eyes on a few occasions, but so far she only blinked a few times and looked confused. Soon her eyes were closed again.

It doesn't matter. We can all see the changes in her. She is going to wake up. She is going to be fine. I repeat these thoughts in my mind over and over again, like I can make it be so through sheer willpower.

Today Christina and I go for a walk. It's cloudy and chilly out, the wind strong. She tells me about how things have been going in the compound. I don't really know what to think about the latest developments. It seems that just erasing everybody's memories and giving them new ones hasn't solved all the problems. Everyone agrees now that the discrimination of the genetically damaged has to end, but they can't agree on how. When I hear Christina tell me of the different opinions, it feels like the beginning of an uprising, like this compound is brewing and soon it will spill over and affect the surrounding areas. It's all too much for my mind to take in at the moment. I just want Tris to be ok.

Soon we are back at the hospital. It's time to visit Tris. We walk into her room together.

"Hi Tris!" Christina says brightly as we enter. "It's your two favorite people, Christina and Four!"

I laugh.

We walk over to Tris. Christina takes a seat in the chair next to her bed. I sit on the bed just beside her. We both take one of her hands. Then Christina starts telling Tris about her day. She shares everything with Tris, the big and small, the important and completely unimportant. Sometimes she's funny, sometimes she's serious. It's nice to listen to her – not because I'm interested in what she has to say most of the time, but because it's clear how much she loves Tris and how much she misses her. I'm glad I didn't try to steal Tris for myself anymore after that first day. Tris should know how loved she is, and not just by me.

I absently push a loose strand of hair behind Tris's ear. Her hospital gown has slipped lower on one side and I notice her tattoo on her collarbone peeking out. I brush my fingers against the three black birds, thinking of Tris during initiation and smiling.

Suddenly Tris lifts her hand and takes hold of my forearm. Her eyes are open. Christina trails off mid-sentence. We are both staring at Tris who has my arm firmly in her grip.

"Tris?" I say. I look into her eyes and I notice: she is looking at me. Her look isn't lost or dazed, she is looking at me. "Tris." I repeat, this time more firmly.

Her lips part. Her mouth moves. I hear a slight wheezing sound, like air escaping. Tris licks her lips. I can't believe this, she's trying to speak!

I hold her gaze. Her mouth moves again. "To-bi-as," she says so softly I can hardly hear her. A tear trickles down the side of her face.

"Tris, it's you. You're back. You made it back to us."

I look over at Christina. Tears are streaming down her face. "Call Dr. Cooke," I tell her. She looks at me and then leaves the room running.

Tris's lips are moving again. I don't know what to do. We've been waiting for this moment so long, but I never thought about what I would do when it actually came. I try to comfort her. "Tris, don't worry. Take it slow. You had a tracheostomy for a few days and before that there was a tube down your throat. Besides, you haven't spoken in over two weeks. Your throat will need some time to heal. But I see you, I see that you're here with me." She nods the tiniest nod and releases my arm. I take her hand in mine and stroke her hair with my other one.

"Tris, I've missed you so much." I don't know what else to say.

She looks at me so intensely. "Me, too," she says faintly. She seems to be getting better at this.

I want to keep talking to her, to keep this connection between us alive. "Not just I missed you, everyone did. So many people have been coming to see you." Suddenly I'm overwhelmed by this situation. I want to tell her everything that has happened, want to let her know everything I have been doing and feeling and how life has been so terrible without her. I squeeze my eyes shut for a moment and take a deep breath to calm myself. I can't do that to her, no matter how I feel. It must already be hard for her to take this all in, there will be time for the rest later.

I look at her again. Her blue eyes are so alive. I feel my own eyes fill with tears. She moves her lips again. "I know," she manages to say.

She knows? That people have been to see her?

"You could hear us?"

She nods. I see a fear in her eyes that wasn't there before. How must that feel, to hear everyone around you and not be able to respond? I shudder at the thought.

I squeeze her hand. "Tris. This is all going to end soon. You're awake now and everything will be fine. You're back, Tris. You came back."

She nods again. Then she closes her eyes.

By the time Christina arrives with Dr. Cooke Tris is gone again. She's slipped back into her state of unconsciousness. Talking to her and poking her foot doesn't help.

Dr. Cooke takes us outside the room and makes me tell him exactly what happened. I repeat everything in minute detail at least three times. Finally he is satisfied. He tells us this is what he's been waiting for. It's normal for comatose patients to wake up slowly, slipping in and out of consciousness for a few days. The fact that she could speak when she woke the first time is a sign that, if she has any permanent brain damage, it can't be severe. He is very happy with what's happened today.

Christina and I look over at each other with beaming smiles. So are we.


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's note: Ok, so I managed to write one short chapter this week, though I didn't think I would have the time. Chapter eight will come next week. I hope you guys are still enjoying it! Please review and let me know what you think. Thanks for reading!**

Chapter Seven

Four's POV:

Over the next two weeks we witness Tris's awakening. Each day she is conscious longer and longer. Her speech becomes clearer, her voice stronger, her mind sharper. In the beginning she is sometimes confused and doesn't know where she is or what's happened. At these moments I see a fear I had never seen in her before. She never cries, she never complains, she just grows quiet and seems to wait until the moment passes. We help her as best we can. Sometimes that means talking gently to her, telling her where she is, what's going on. Sometimes it just means holding her hand or stroking her head. Dr. Cooke spends a lot of time with her and he helps us to understand what she needs. And what she needs is time.

The moments of confusion come less frequently as the days pass. Tris grows more confident in her own mind and trusts her thoughts more and more. I'm fascinated by her determination and her strength. Watching her is like witnessing a flower bloom or a butterfly spread it wings for the first time. I can see her struggle with her own mind and body, but somehow she does so without despairing. There is a fear in her now, but she fights it as bravely as she fought during the war. I feel like I am falling in love with her more with each passing day. It's silly because the faction system now seems so pointless, but I can't help thinking: she has never been more Dauntless.

Two weeks after Tris's first awakening, Dr. Cooke determines she is no longer in danger of slipping back into the coma and she is moved out of the intensive care unit. It is decided I will finally stop sleeping in my little closet in the hospital so I'm given a room in the hotel a few floors above the "ballroom" where we spent our first days here. Zeke and Caleb also have rooms in the same hall. I'm not quite thrown out of the hospital, but I get the feeling I'll be making another "deal" with Dr. Cooke soon if I don't leave. So I pack my limited possessions in the black duffle bag Zeke brought me so long ago. I look around the tiny room. It's a strange feeling. I've spent a month living in this hospital, my life revolving only around Tris. The nurses have been bringing me food, they've been washing my clothes, Zeke and Christina have been bringing me anything else I might need. The only thing I have done outside of the hospital for the past month is go on my daily walks and train for an hour a day. Only now that this phase is ending do I truly become aware how much my life has been about Tris. I don't know what to think of it. I love her, but I don't know how healthy this condition is. I remember the feeling I had in the beginning, just after she entered the coma, of my life being tethered to hers. I shake my head. Eventually I will work my way through this, but maybe I too need time. I leave my makeshift living space in the hope I will never have to enter it again.

(page break)

Tris's POV:

Each step of this process has been difficult in its own way. Being shot now seems like the easiest part. That was painful, but at least it was fast and I knew what I was doing and why. The coma was a nightmare. First I lived in pain and darkness, then I was awake but still not awake and couldn't communicate with the world or see anything. I shudder at the thought. And waking up also wasn't easy. It came in fits; it seemed that all I had in that time was my determination to make it. Sometimes I was just so tired of trying I would wish it could all finally end. But it didn't end. And here I am now. It was torture, but I made it through. I'm alive.

Having Tobias and Christina and Caleb and other people that care about me has been so important. I don't think I could have made it this far without them. They constantly encourage me, always give me hope and love. I remember that feeling I had that love and joy were my beacons of light in the darkness surrounding me. It still feels that way.

I can almost remember everything now, although some parts are still fuzzy and I still get bits and pieces confused. My mind seems to be almost fully returned. Unfortunately I cannot say the same about my body. Pain is my constant companion. They give me pain medication but it's never strong enough and I'm afraid of becoming dependent. The doctors will eventually have to wean me off of it - I'm looking forward to that day and dreading it all at once. There is still a bullet in my right leg, the movement of my left arm is limited. My wounds are still healing, so they're puffy and sore. I feel like I have scars everywhere: my back, my stomach, my throat from the tracheostomy. And my motor skills are still impaired because of the coma. I walked for the first time three days ago. I was pretty wobbly and only made it a few feet, but I have walked more since and seem to be getting better at it. Today I have been practicing writing. I'm definitely getting better at that, though I think my handwriting will never look the same. My left hand twitches sometimes.

I sigh. I shouldn't be looking at it this way. Dr. Cooke always tells me to see what I have achieved and not to look at what hasn't yet been achieved. He's right. I know he's right. Usually I'm pretty good at it, too, but sometimes I look at myself more closely and it just feels like there is such a long way to go.

Tobias has gone to move his things into his new room in the compound. They say I'll get a room there too when I'm released from the hospital but for now they've moved me into a new room in the hospital. I guess I should be happy I've finally left intensive care. Dr. Cooke says I can start with physical therapy now and that I should progress very quickly. I hope he's right.

It's strange to feel helpless inside your own body. I was never the most coordinated person, but this experience has made me realize how reliable my body actually was all my life. Especially after Dauntless training. Now I feel like a puppet, like my brain is pulling the strings and then my body hesitantly obeys. Everything feels jerky and strange, whereas before it was easy and smooth. I'm smaller and paler than ever. I should be thankful that I even have the abilities I do have – the doctors say some coma patients have to learn everything again, to write, walk, talk, eat… I can basically do everything, though not as well as I used to, and my body is still healing, so I know it should get better with time, but it's still just a hard thing to get used to. Usually I try not to think about it.

I look around my room. I realize I'm searching for some distraction from my own thoughts. It's my first day officially back and I don't want to spend it like this, moping about. I wonder what Christina is doing. She told me she'd be looking into job possibilities today. I wonder if she'll go into security like Amar and George. I wonder if she's busy now. Just as I am about to pick up my mobile phone - which Matthew brought me two days ago - from my bedside table, I see her head pop in my door.

"Christina!" I say brightly. She smiles at me, walks over and gives me a hug. I awkwardly hug her back without lifting my left arm properly and trying not to feel weird about it. Her smile widens.

"Once a Stiff, always a Stiff," she says and drops herself into the chair next to my bed. I redden.

"Yeah, something like that," I say.

"So, how's your first day back among the living?" She asks in a dramatic voice, that big smile still on her face. Her words hit too close to home and that thought makes me shudder. Her smile falters. "Sorry, I didn't mean it like that…" she mutters.

I can't help but laugh at the situation. "Once a Candor, always a Candor?" I ask.

"Yeah, something like that…" Christina says sullenly. I laugh again.

"It's good to be out of there, I guess. Good to know I'm healthy enough to be out of there, that there's no big danger I'll slip out of consciousness again." I try to be honest without going into too much detail.

Christina nods. "Yeah, that's how we all feel, Tris. We're so glad you're back and that you're going to be fine."

Going to be fine, I think. It doesn't feel that way right now. My hand twitches and I place my other hand on top of it so it won't be so obvious. Christina sees it, though. Her Candor-trained eye seems to see something in my face, too. She peers at me. "Tris, are you sure you're ok? You can talk to me, you know."

I sigh. "I know. It's just that I feel so ungrateful. I should be thankful I'm as well as I am, not complaining."

Christina snorts. "Tris, I complain when I break a nail! Of course you can complain a little about this!"

I laugh a little. "Yeah…" She just continues looking at me patiently, like she knows I will say something soon. So I do. "It's just… I feel so… broken. I feel like I'm in a stranger's body. Nothing works like it used to. And I know everyone says it takes time, and I'll get better soon, but I wonder…" I bite my lip.

"Are you afraid you might not get completely better? Like you'll never be the same?" she asks softly. I nod.

She seems to be thinking about this. "Well, then we'll just have to make sure you do."

"Do what?"

"Get better," she replies simply.

I stare at her for a while. "That seems like something very Dauntless to say," I finally answer.

Christina smiles proudly at me.


	8. Chapter 8

**Author's note: I re-read a few parts of Allegiant a few days ago and realized that I had made a few mistakes, so I went back and fixed the ones I could find (I'm sure there are others). I'm trying to pick this up right where Tris died in Allegiant and to stay true to the plot up until there. It's mainly little things like - where did Shauna show up out of nowhere, what happened to Evelyn since Four was supposed to pick her up a day after Tris was shot or what's been going on in the city… Most of the changes have been in chapter 5. Anyway, so there's that, and here's the new chapter! Finally! Thanks for sticking with this and to anyone new – thanks for joining us! Enjoy. :)**

Chapter Eight

Tris's POV

I'm surrounded by light, so much that I'm blinded. I feel like I should be worried or nervous, but somehow I only feel comforted. Slowly the light fades and I know my mother is with me. We don't speak, we just enjoy each other's presence. Everything is light and easy here, like floating on a breeze. _I've been here before_, I think. My mother smiles at me. She takes my hand and together we plunge into an ocean that's a blue so deep it almost looks black.

(page break)

I open my eyes slowly, blinking them a few times. I was dreaming.

I have been having this dream repeatedly for the past two weeks. It's always the same in the beginning – first there is the blinding light, then the floating feeling and my mother is there. I don't see her, I just know she is there. And always she smiles at me and takes my hand (although I don't see her) and then we go somewhere. Sometimes I awake before I know where we're going. But sometimes, like this time, I stay asleep long enough to see where we end up… Once I saw the entire Earth before us, once a night sky filled with planets and stars and once I felt we were going to join all of humanity somehow. Like every single person alive was going to be somewhere and that's where we were headed. And now… this ocean.

The dream always leaves me with a feeling so familiar, as if it were more a memory than a dream. I wonder – and have been wondering for days now – if it has something to do with the coma. At the end of the coma when I was aware of my surroundings I would dream sometimes, maybe I also dreamt this. I think of telling Dr. Cooke about it.

I look at the clock; it's 6 PM. I must have fallen asleep after Christina left. I still sleep a lot and Dr. Cooke says it will take some time for my sleep rhythm to become normal. Dinner won't come for another hour so I decide to leave my room and explore the surroundings of my new home. It's still the hospital, but I imagine this part must look different than the intensive care ward. Plus, I'm determined to move around as much as I can now that I'm allowed to. Christina and I have a plan.

I walk down the hall and pass the nurse's room at the end. No one is in there, for which I'm thankful – they would probably tell me to go back or something. This hall just leads to another hall which then leads to a large room with several doors and halls branching off and elevators in the middle. I don't really care which way I go so I pick a hall at random that leads me to a staircase. I stand and stare at the multitude of steps for a while. It hurts my pride, but I finally admit to myself: this staircase is actually too daunting. I turn and go back to the large central room.

By then my legs are tired and I'm slightly out of breath. Everything hurts a little bit more than usual. There are several chairs on one side of the room surrounded by large potted plants. It seems like a little oasis in this sterile environment, so I decide to sit and rest there for a moment. I pick a chair and sit with my hands crossed over my stomach while leaning my head all the way onto the back of the chair; I'm staring straight up at the leaves of the plant hanging above me. If I squint my eyes I can imagine I'm in some kind of park or forest instead of the hospital.

I sit that way for a long time thinking of the dream. My breathing becomes slow and even and just as I am about to fall asleep I hear my mother's voice in my head "If you will it."

I shoot up. I remember that! I asked my mother if I would remember this and that was her answer. "If you will it." But… remember what? And when did my mother ever say that to me? My mind races to answer these questions.

My little oasis is a place of peace and soon I am much too anxious now to stay there; I feel like I am somehow tarnishing it with my presence. I get up and start slowly pacing the large room up and down. What did I want to remember? And how can willing it help me remember? What made my mother say that?

My pace becomes faster as I think about it. I try to remember all the conversations I had with my mother, but none of it seems right. For some reason the floating feeling of my dream seems connected to this memory of my mother. And why do I always dream I am with my mother? Why not my father or anyone else I know – dead or alive? My thoughts wander towards my last memories before being shot. I haven't thought about that day too much – it has always left me a bit dazed trying to remember exactly what happened in the Weapon's Lab. But this time I skip straight to the end and try to dig up the very last moments before waking up in the hospital.

By now my heart is racing as I try to draw the memory from somewhere deep within me. I remember the pain. I remember somehow managing to push that green button and then sliding to the floor and seeing my blood so dark. David had also fallen to the floor. And then… my mother. My mother was there! She came to get me. I remember the feeling of pain when I thought I was leaving Tobias and I remember being surrounded by a comforting feeling, like entering my mother's embrace.

And then suddenly I know what the dream is.

Just like that - not knowing and knowing is only one breath apart.

(page break)

Four's POV:

My new room is simple. There is a bed with a dresser next to it. There's a small closet on the wall at the foot of the bed. There is one window covered with dark blue curtains. The opposite wall has a door in it which leads to the tiny bathroom. The room is a bit musty so I open the window wide and let in the cool November air. I used to hate winter, and autumn was always just its predecessor, but now looking at the falling leaves and breathing in the crisp air makes me think of Tris waking up. Maybe I'll change my mind this year.

Zoe gave me my key along with towels and bed linens and showed where I can wash my clothes. She also told me she would like to meet me next week so we can talk about jobs. It seems it's time to become a little more self-sufficient again. I put my few possessions away and am about to leave the room when someone knocks softly on my door.

I open it and see Evelyn standing outside.

She looks better than she did in the city. Her dark curly hair is longer and she looks more well fed and better rested, though she still seems like skin over wiry muscle. She's wearing jeans and a simple black t-shirt with short sleeves. Her dark eyes immediately find mine and I see a slightly haunted look in them, almost as if she were afraid. Her lip trembles.

Her presence comes as such a surprise to me that I don't say anything. Guilt fills me, leaving a sour taste in my mouth. What should I say? _Sorry I've been avoiding you for a month_ just doesn't seem right. And then I remember why I've been avoiding her and anger mixes together with the guilt and the sour taste turns bitter. Some of that must be showing in my face or my eyes because the haunted look grows stronger and she begins to chew her lip.

"Tobias…" Evelyn finally says in a faint voice.

"Evelyn," I answer coolly.

"I'm…" her eyes finally look away from mine. "I've missed you."

Again, I am at a loss of words. So I don't say anything. I suppose I'm being unfair. The last time we saw each other was just after she decided to give up leading the factionless for me. I had betrayed her trust and left the city, then returned to ask her to give up her fight. We had somewhat made amends and were both planning on working on our relationship in this new world, far away from that city where we had both suffered and been through so much. This was supposed to be our second chance. But every time I look at her, I think of Tris, looking small and broken on the hospital bed, and I remember how much my mother disliked her. Somehow these feelings are too dissonant, I can't reconcile them. I feel guilty. I feel angry.

Evelyn sighs. "I understand you've been preoccupied. This has been a hard time for all of us, with so much to take in, and then there's what happened to Beatrice…" she says her name warily, as if afraid of how I might react to it. Seeing no change in me, she proceeds. "Tobias, I know I haven't been the mother I should have been. And I know you don't agree with a lot of the things that I've done. But now, being out here… It's really changed my perspective on things. All our perspectives." She looks at me pleadingly, her eyes begging for any response.

I nod. It's true. We all see things differently now that we know the truth. She seems relieved I've agreed with her and hurries on. "Maybe you still need time, but I just wanted to say that I really do miss you. I have missed you all these years. You gave me a chance and I chose you, my son. I really hope we won't throw this chance away. We can be a family again, I know it."

Again, her eyes seem to ask for my approval. I imagine how lonely she must feel, with no factionless to lead, no family, possibly no real friends. And to discover the truth about Chicago after all her efforts at taking control of the city… The anger is still in me, but seeing her so vulnerable makes me soften somehow.

I want to apologize to her and I want to scream at her to never threaten my relationship with Tris again. Doing either seems impossible, so I choose some middle ground. I let out a long breath. "You may be right. Maybe I shouldn't have been avoiding you all this time. The truth is, I don't know where our lives will lead us. I want to say that I agree with you and that we should try to get to know each other again, try to work this out somehow. But Evelyn," my tone grows hard again, "there is nothing you can do or say that will ever convince me of leaving Tris. She is a part of my life, a part of me, and if we are to ever grow close again, you have to accept that. You can't have me without her."

Evelyn nods fervently. She knew I would make this demand and was ready to agree with it. I just hope she is being honest and that she will actually try to get to know Tris and like her.

"I heard how you stayed with her all this time. It must have been very difficult for you. I'm glad she seems to be recovering." Her quiet tone seems sincere, but I still have my reservations. For the moment I choose to just accept what she says, though.

"Thank you," I say.

My mother looks into my eyes again for one intense moment and then she says, "You can't imagine how much I love you, Tobias. Never forget that." She takes my hand and squeezes it and then turns and walks away before I have a chance to respond. I watch her walk away and remain there long after she is gone.

(page break)

A glance at my watch tells me it's 7 PM. I walk briskly down the hotel halls, anxious to get back to the hospital. The last time I saw Tris was in the early afternoon after she moved to her new room; it's the first time I've been away from her for so long. I know I will have to return to a more normal life soon, but being far from her is still difficult. It's like I'm afraid of what could happen while I'm gone, like I might come back and… I think of the feeling of panic and terror when Cara told me what had happened. That seems so long ago, but it has in no way made the feeling any less intense. I guess having your worst fear come to life – and not in a simulation – doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

The sight of her when I finally get to her room takes my breath away. She is sitting on the edge of her bed looking out the window. There is an intense look on her face and that light I so love is shining in her eyes. At first she doesn't notice me, but she turns towards me when I enter the room. The familiarity in her smile makes my worries and my fears disappear. I kiss her lightly on the lips but she pulls me in for another kiss, this one longer. The electricity pulses through us again. When we part I sit next to her on the bed and our fingers find each other and intertwine.

"Hi," I say.

"Hi," she replies.

"How was your first day out of the ICU?" I ask.

"Good," she replies. She looks back out the window. "It was interesting, I guess."

"Interesting?"

"Um… yeah. Christina came to see me for a while. Then I fell asleep. Then I walked around a bit, but the nurses found me and sent me back and now I'm waiting for dinner."

"Sounds very interesting," I tease.

She hits my arm, but there's no real force in it. "Well, compared to my past few weeks lying in bed, it is interesting actually! But… there was something else, too…" Somehow she seems reluctant. I wonder what could possibly have happened here that she's reluctant to tell me. Then I have a thought. Did she too have an unexpected visitor?

"Tris, what is it?" I ask worriedly.

My tone makes her peer up at me. "Nothing to worry about, I'm just not sure yet how to put it into words. I've been having some thoughts, remembering some stuff… Puzzling things together."

I relax a little. "Ok, but if you want to tell me about it, you can. I won't make fun of you," I promise with a grin.

"Hmm, thanks," she mutters sarcastically. "I will tell you, I just have to sort through it a bit." We're quiet for a while. Then she asks, "How was your day?"

"Good," I reply. "Interesting." Tris rolls her eyes. I laugh, but then I tell her about my room in the hotel and about Evelyn's visit. She grows serious at the mention of Evelyn and listens to everything I say without interruption.

Then she says, "That's good, Tobias. I'm glad she came and you two talked. I think you shouldn't be too hard on her, you should give her another chance. That's what you were planning on doing anyway."

This takes me by surprise. My fierce Tris is asking me to go easy on my mother who tried to have her convicted of treason simply for sharing the truth? Again, I feel doubt at the sincerity of someone's words. I look at her closely. "What?" she says. "I mean it, Tobias. I know Evelyn never liked me much, but everything is different now. Let's just see where this goes."

It sounds a lot like what Evelyn says. Maybe they're both being sincere and they're both right. If ever a situation merited a new beginning, then this one, right?

Dinner arrives – for both of us – and I sit on the chair to eat while Tris stays in her bed. The nurse tells me this is the last meal I'll be having at the hospital and that from now on I'm to eat at the compound dining hall with everyone else. It's Susan, the friendly nurse who first showed me to my room in the hospital, and she seems a bit sad when she tells me this. I guess I've been almost like a patient for all the staff and they too will have to adjust with me no longer living here. I try my best to give her a warm smile.

Tris watches our interaction and laughs softly as Susan leaves. I look at her. "What is it?" I ask, a bit defensively.

"Nothing, it's just…" She shrugs. "You're being nice."

"Well, I did say I want to work on that one," I retort.

She nods and continues eating, but I can still see that glimmer of mirth in her eyes.

After dinner I lay down next to her in the bed. We spend the entire evening together, talking and just enjoying each other's company. I'm surprised no one else comes by to visit, but I'm actually glad because it means we finally get to be alone. Tris is really back. She's back and she's fine. Sometimes her left hand twitches and I know her body is still sore and painful, but she is here with her eyes awake and her mind intact. Just the sight of her makes me weak with relief sometimes.

When Susan comes to tell me visiting hours are over for the third time, I get up. Tris holds my hand and looks up at me, her big blue eyes full of trust and affection.

"I love you, Tris," I say and kiss her forehead.

She closes her eyes and smiles a small smile. "Good night, Tobias."


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter Nine

Tris POV:

I stay awake for several hours after Tobias leaves, thinking about the events of the day. I realize now that those dreams were more than dreams – they were memories. It was some part of me remembering my death. I remember being with my mother and seeing everything and understanding everything. I think I actually could have stayed there with her (stayed dead), but I _chose_ to return somehow. I wanted to come back because I wanted to share what I had seen with the world.

And now I'm here. I'm out of the coma and getting better each day. I finally remember why I came back. But how can I do what I came here to do? How can I help the people around me to understand that nothing is at it seems to be? That there has to be a different way that doesn't lead to so much pain and suffering?

These thoughts fill my mind for a long time until exhaustion overcomes me and I fall asleep.

(page break)

Four POV:

Tris is asleep when I arrive. There is a tray with her untouched breakfast on the trolley by her bed. I can't help but smile at the sight of her: she lies curled up in a tiny ball, her hair covering her face. I walk over to her and brush her hair back and kiss her lightly on the cheek. She stirs and lets out a small sigh. I kiss her again and her eyes flutter open.

"Hello," I say. She smiles sleepily and stretches.

"Hi," she manages to say through a yawn.

Once she's awake and sitting I point to her breakfast. "Since when do they let you sleep through meals?"

Tris shrugs. "They don't. I think I fell asleep again after the nurse woke me." I push the trolley over to her and she begins eating right away. It's good to see her appetite has returned. "So what are your plans for today?" she asks in between bites.

"Zoe is going to take me around the compound and tell me about the different jobs. We're meeting after lunch. I guess I'll have to choose soon how I want to contribute to life here." I try to act casual, but I'm a little nervous. I wonder if there will be any job here that I might like, after all that I've experienced. And it will mean much less time with Tris, though I've known this was coming for a while now.

Tris looks at me carefully as she chews. I wonder what she sees. She's been like this a lot lately; she doesn't say much, she just observes and listens. I know there are so many thoughts going through her mind, but she hasn't shared them with me yet. Every time I have asked her so far she has just told me she still needs time, she's still thinking. It's beginning to unnerve me.

"What are you thinking, Tris?" I say, a touch more irritated than I wanted to sound.

The look in her big eyes tells me she wasn't expecting the question. "I was just thinking about what job you would choose. And whether… well, whether any job would seem right."

Now I'm the one who's surprised to hear my own thoughts come out of her mouth. But I don't want to tell her that's how I feel. For some reason I can't explain, her comment makes me defensive, "Well, I have been living here ever since we left the city. They've been taking care of us, giving us everything we need, don't you think we should do our part?"

Tris just keeps looking at me in that calm manner she has adopted. "Of course. I just wonder what our part is, that's all." She looks back to her empty plate.

_What's that supposed to mean?_

"Tris, something about you is different." The words just slip out of my mouth.

She looks at me again and, again I see something there… Is it fear? "What do you mean? Today?"

"No, not just today. I mean... ever since…" I can't finish the sentence. Suddenly I feel foolish; I've been telling myself to give her time, convincing myself it can't be easy to go through what she went through and now here I am, giving her a hard time. And for what? Because she's been a bit quiet and says mysterious things?

But what she says surprises me again. "You're right."

"I'm right?"

"Yes. I am different." She replies simply. _As if that explains everything_, I think.

I hesitate. "Tris… I know you went through a crazy experience and I can't even begin to imagine what it was like, what it still is like for you… But I wish you would trust me and… open up to me."

Tris's look bores deep into me. It feels as if she were weighing me to the gram, determining my worth. I feel naked under this stare, and not in a way I would enjoy. Finally, the intensity in her eyes lessens. She suddenly seems weak and tired. I almost start feeling sorry again for even bringing up the subject.

"Again, you're right, Tobias. I should open up to you. I want to. I just don't know how." She sounds so sincere and so torn. It's then that I realize: I have to help her.

"Well, how about you start from the beginning?"

She rumples her forehead. "The beginning? Which one? The beginning of time?"

_The beginning of time? _This is only getting stranger. "Well, maybe not that far back," I say sarcastically. "Maybe you start where this all began for you." She still seems at a loss to where this beginning might be. I think about her behavior and when I started noticing the changes. It's hard to tell because of her gradual recovery from the coma, but then I remember something. "You told me about a week ago that you had some thoughts, were sorting through some things… Maybe that's a start."

First she thinks about this then she smiles at me in a way I haven't seen for a long time. The look fills me with pride, like I must have done something right to deserve this. "You always know what to do, don't you?" I have no idea what I've done, but I decide to not ruin this moment by saying that.

Tris is still for a moment. Then she begins, "Last week, on my first day in this room, I told you I went for a walk…"

(page break)

Tris POV:

I decide to tell Tobias. At first I'm unsure of what to say and how. I begin with my odd memories, then I tell him about my dreams and how I pieced things together that day a week ago. He only seems even more confused, so I take a deep breath and I begin to tell him _everything_.

I start as far back as I think is necessary – which is when he left the compound to go back to the city. I tell him about the next hours, about playing Candor with Caleb and how he told me his true reason for sacrificing himself. I tell him about the emergency lockdown, about having to leave earlier than planned, about the chaos of it all, about how I took Caleb's place, about shooting those guards, getting shot in the arm. I tell him about the death serum, the encounter with David, getting shot again. And then… I tell him about my death. I tell him about coming back. I tell him about the tortures of the coma. I leave nothing out – not one action, one thought or one emotion.

At so many places I can't find the right words. I struggle to explain what cannot possibly be explained. Tobias is patient, though, he just waits and listens. Only twice does he ask questions – both times as I am trying to put into words some aspect of what it feels like to be dead, yet more alive than ever. He never protests, he just listens and listens.

By the time I am done my throat is sore. A nurse comes in to bring me lunch. She seems to sense our mood because she only attaches my antibiotic drip, asks if I need anything else and reminds me of my physical therapy appointment at three. I thank her and she is quickly gone.

Once the door closes, a heavy silence covers the room like a blanket. Now I must wait until Tobias is ready to respond somehow. It was a difficult decision to open up to him this way, but it seemed the only right thing to do. There was no way I could keep on pretending everything would be as it was before. My body might yet recover, but I will never be the same. And Tobias has to know that – he has to know who we is with. I can't hide that from him.

The silence stretches on and on. With each passing minute I begin to feel more uncertain. _What if he thinks I'm crazy? … What if I _am_ crazy?_

Surprisingly enough, this thought is new to me. I never once considered how valid these memories might be, or whether they were the product of damage to my brain. But now that this idea has entered my mind, it seems more and more plausible. Just as I can't bear it anymore and I want to tell Tobias that maybe it's all a mistake, maybe I'm insane, maybe he should just leave me and live his life without this trouble, he finally speaks.

"Tris, that's… amazing." He runs his fingers through his hair. "Amazing doesn't even begin to describe it."

I stare at him. "You believe me?"

"What? Of course I believe you! I mean, yeah, it's pretty hard to understand, maybe even hard to believe, but I trust you, Tris…" His blue eyes turn intense. I know he can see the doubt in my eyes. "Tris, you're so – " he seems to fumble for the word – "clear. You're so lucid. How can all this stuff be made up?"

I consider what he's said. It's true, I do feel clear and lucid. And I never doubted any of this before. It all fits together too well with the facts I know to be true. I shake my head. "I don't think it's made up. I think I really experienced it. I don't know if that necessarily means it was _real_. I know I was really shot, and I really died for a few minutes. I know the coma was real. I guess the rest… I suppose I choose to believe it because I remember it so well and because it makes so much sense to me now."

I bite my lip. Tobias leans closer to me and gently places his thumb on my chin, pulling my lower lip from between my teeth. Then he shuts his eyes and slowly closes the space between us until his lips nearly touch mine. His warm breath makes my face tingle. The air between us feels like it's charged, as if sparks might fly from it any moment. Somehow death seems to have affected me less than he can. Finally he releases this almost unbearable tension with a long kiss. He pulls away eventually, but I linger with my mouth near his, sighing quietly. All other thoughts seem to have left my mind.

Tobias kisses my neck softly, first one side, then the other. He takes my hands in his and turns them over, kissing my palms. I feel light in a way – like maybe it all isn't so complicated after all. Everything seems so simple in moments like these. "This… this is what life is supposed to be about," I hear myself saying.

He inclines his head to one side and raises an eyebrow at me. I try to explain, "It's supposed to be about people growing so close and loving each other so well that they can help each other through anything. Even death."

His intense gaze remains on me for a long time until at last he nods. "I think I like this life if that's what it's about," he finally answers.

The nurse returns to get my tray and is surprised to find I haven't eaten yet. I grudgingly pull it over and start demonstratively eating for her to see. She seems satisfied and goes again. Tobias looks at his watch. "I have to go, Tris."

"I know." It only stings a little to have to part.

"I don't even know how to thank you for sharing this with me Tris." He seems so excited it bubbles over to me. I don't know exactly why, but it does seem exciting that this isn't my secret anymore. It's ours to explore and understand now.

After getting up, he leans down and kisses my head. "Just so you know, this doesn't mean I don't have a thousand questions. I do. And I will ask them." With that final warning he leaves. I can't help but smile.


	10. Chapter 10

**Author's note: Thanks so much for the reviews! I'm really glad people are reading this and liking it! If you have any ideas or suggestions, let me know!**

** Sukeytawdrey – thanks a lot for your comment, it's really nice to get a "real" perspective on something - I was hoping Dr. Cooke's reaction wasn't too unrealistic. :)**

Chapter Ten

Four's POV:

I look at my watch. I have 20 minutes until it's time to meet Zoe, so I decide to pass by the dining hall for something to eat. Just as I'm arriving I see Evelyn leaving from the other side of the large room. I think of calling her but she's too far away. Three people are with her: an elderly man, a woman around Evelyn's age and a child, a girl with dark curly hair. They're probably factionless newly arrived from the city; new people have been coming in from Chicago every day. It's always just a few, but I imagine this trickle will turn into a stream soon enough, especially if the chaos there lasts. Evelyn has come to visit me twice since we first saw each other a week ago. It was nice to spend time with her in such a harmless way – not planning a war or any imminent danger lurking around the corner, no shouting matches taking place. These meetings have made me start to become hopeful that things may actually work out between us in some way. As I watch her walk away, I notice that I've strangely never run into her at the compound before, though.

I grab a tray, put a sandwich and an apple on it and look for a seat. Zeke is sitting with Shauna near the doors Evelyn just left by. I walk over to them and sit next to Zeke, who claps me on the back. "Hey," I say. "How's life in the compound, Shauna?" She just arrived three days ago with her mother, the only family she has left.

Shauna eyes her environment in a suspicious manner. "It's ok, I guess. No one is trying to kill each other here, so that's a plus." Zeke grins at me. I understand Shauna's hesitation to seem too friendly about this place. It's hard to imagine these people have been here all this time watching us and doing nothing, all for the sake of their precious experiment. It's hard to imagine everything we once believed is just a complex, orchestrated lie. Even though that's all changing now – the experiments are all in the process of being shut down – it's been really hard to explain everything to the new people. We can't tell them we erased everyone's memories on purpose because the Bureau of Genetic Warfare was horrible and needed to be stopped, but we still want them to understand that a lot is happening here and that the beliefs we hold aren't necessarily the only ones that exist in this country. On top of that, Shauna and her mother shared a deep-rooted mistrust of Divergents and now they are being forced to admit that their prejudice makes no sense, which is probably somewhat embarrassing. What meaning can Divergence even have in a world with no factions and where we don't acknowledge any kind of genetic damage? That's the world we're trying to create now.

I nod to her. "You're right. I think it's what I like most about it here."

I quickly eat and listen to Zeke as he points at some people and tells Shauna who they are. He's been helping her get used to life here. Every new person to arrive is assigned a 'mentor' who spends some time with them in the first few weeks and answers all their questions; this is one of the new measures that have been created in the past weeks. It's been hard to find enough mentors because a lot of the regular compound population still isn't reliable enough to do the task, so pretty much every person that wasn't affected by the serum has been doing it. I already know I'll be mentoring someone soon, regardless which job I choose.

When I'm done, I start to get up and Zeke asks, "What's your rush?" I tell him I'm going to meet Zoe to see about some jobs. He smiles up at me and says, "Ah, well then you'd better hurry, Four. 'The future belongs to those who know.'" He quotes some Erudite propaganda phrase that they always printed on fliers just before Aptitude test day. That all seems like a lifetime ago. I grin at him, wave at Shauna and leave.

I'm to meet Zoe near the security clearance of the compound, underneath the old statue. It was emptied weeks ago, now it's just a big slab of stone hanging in the air. I look at it as I wait for her and wonder about all that's been going on. Now that I know Tris is going to be ok, it seems like my vision has returned to me: before I could only see her, only think of her, there was room for nothing else. I was completely consumed by the need to see her alive and well. Now I'm beginning to perceive my surroundings again. And I don't know if I like what I see. Johanna is still the leader of Chicago. Elections are to take place in two weeks, but no one really knows how that's to work out. There's still fighting taking place in the city – different groups have formed and they want different things. Some of the old Allegiant are against the elections and want everything to return to the way it was. Others don't want an election to choose people who will make decisions for them, they want to choose the new system to be installed. But there are so many possibilities, how could an election decide the new system? If there were only three or four options, the people of the city could choose between those, but that sounds dangerously close to the limiting way things were done before. And then there is a large group – and by far the most dangerous – that seems to consist mainly of some factionless and the traitor Dauntless that don't seem to want anything except destruction. They riot, steal food and anything else they can get, and go around the city terrorizing people. Some of the Dauntless have become like a police force, but they aren't enough and they aren't well organized. All in all, it's a mess.

The most difficult part so far has been information. It's hard to get information to people now that there is so much chaos and the factions aren't working anymore. Johanna and her helpers have tried to share what they know about the world outside, but a lot has been misunderstood and twisted. Rumors are flying through the city, nobody knows what to believe. A lot of people are frightened of the world outside Chicago. Those who have been leaving generally steal away quietly and don't make a big fuss over it. They just go. We have sent three small groups from the compound into the city so far to help talk to everyone about the truth of the experiments, but it hasn't been enough. And letting them know the truth brings another problem with it – at the time there can't be more than sixty people from the city here, but what happens when they all start leaving? When they all come to live in the compound? Chicago was self-sufficient, it produced everything it needed to keep the population alive. The compound is almost self-sufficient, only technology like computers and cars is built elsewhere, but it's designed to take care of a much smaller population than that of the city. There is no way everyone can live here. And to send everyone away, into the big cities of the country? These people – _we –_ don't know anything about this world. It would surely lead to even greater problems if everyone left at once.

Things at the compound have been going fairly well. Everyone is almost back to normal, it seems that no one has forgotten too much or is having difficulties re-learning the important stuff. It is a common belief here now that genetic manipulation isn't the reason for this country's problems. Human nature is complex, people aren't just damaged or whole, we need to figure out a new approach to solving our issues. The compound has been in contact with the Bureau's headquarters in New York, the capital, which is something like the control center of this country where all the leaders live and work. I suppose the Bureau is surprised at this sudden change of heart in everyone here, especially David, but there was little support for the experiments with the government anyway, so it's good timing to get closing them on the agenda. And now a process of re-defining the purpose of the Bureau and advocating against genetic discrimination has begun. But the prejudices sit very deep among large parts of the population of this country, even amongst the so-called the genetically damaged themselves. I don't know if I'm right in this, but I get the feeling no one really knows where to go from here.

A tap on my shoulder brings me out of my thoughts. I turn to see Zoe smiling at me. She still looks a little bit off – her mouth is slightly parted, her eyes are just a bit too wide, like she's constantly surprised about something. I know it's the last stage of her recovery from the memory serum. In one to two weeks everyone should be back to completely normal. Well, the new normal.

"Hello Tobias. How are you?"

I incline my head. "I'm fine. Are you feeling better?" The people at the compound were told there was an accident which caused the memory loss. Everyone able has been taking care of them these past weeks. Everyone except me, that is, but I guess I also wasn't able in my own way.

"Oh, yes. I'm much better. I hardly forget anything anymore." She smiles again. "I think I'm well enough to show you around and help you find a job you like."

I nod and she heads off, leading the way.

For the next three hours Zoe shows me every part of the compound. Having been here so long, I thought I was finally getting to know the place. Now I realize I don't know it all. It seems like the entire compound including the surrounding buildings and fields is nearly the size of Chicago. We drive around in a tiny car with no doors that seats two people – Zoe tells me it's called a golf cart. I have no idea what that means.

She seems not to leave any job out except the ones I simply wouldn't be able to do because I know nothing of them – which is mainly scientist stuff. On the outskirts of the compound. There are fields that need to be tilled and greenhouses that need to be taken care of. I don't know anything about plants, but she says it's mainly physical work that needs to be done and someone would help me learn what to do. I think of the Amity with their greenhouses and wonder whether this work would fill me with that sense of peace we felt while staying there. We continue on to a series of small buildings that contain several different kinds of workshops – there's one for cars, one for computers and other electronics and two others in which mainly wood and metal are worked on. My fingers itch as I see the many tools hanging neatly from the walls. I can remember longing for a time in which I might trade in my weapons of destruction for tools of construction. Maybe I should give one of the workshops a try.

We go on and on. There are jobs as drivers that deliver goods all over the compound and regularly leave the compound to pick up things that come from the outside. Another area of work is in security management, which pretty much seems like what I did at Dauntless. There is the actual security work – Zoe seems to think I would do best in this area, and she says I might even get to train the new people that come in after a few years. Several jobs have to do with helping those in leadership positions; they need people to do research for them, to organize things, to run errands for them. These jobs mostly seem boring to me because it would imply mainly sitting in a room at a computer or on the phone. And even the thought of having to work for David makes my blood boil. I could never do one of those jobs as long as he is still here. There are also different kinds of caretakers – some people tend the grounds, the fences, others clean the different buildings, some are in charge of making sure every area has enough supplies.

"And then there are the hospital workers, but I guess that's also an area you would need training for to work in," Zoe finally concludes as we stop in front of the main compound building again. "There are, of course, a few other jobs you haven't seen, like the pilots, but this should be enough to help you decide." I frown at her. "Oh, you don't know what a pilot is. That's someone who flies an airplane." She points toward the distant road where the planes are parked. I shudder at the thought. That's a job I'm definitely not interested in.

Zoe continues, "You don't have to make a definite choice now. I would recommend you go to the places you found interesting and just spend some time there, try things out. That way you can get a better idea of what to expect. Most people have been here for a long time and were trained for their work from a young age. You, on the other hand…" she falters in mid-sentence, the confused look returning to her eyes. This must be a point where her memory fails her. "Well, I suppose you get a fresh start."

I thank Zoe for her help and we say good-bye. She walks into the main building and I head towards the hospital. The entire way I think about the things I have seen and wonder what I should do. I also think about Tris's words, whether any job could seem right. Why did she think that? Could I not be happy in one of those workshops, learning to build and repair useful things? I can almost imagine a life in which I return home each day sweaty and tired, Tris arriving there at the same time, asking how her day was, happy and calm. Normal. I can just picture it in my mind. But then all my thoughts from earlier on about the state of this world return to me and that feeling deep in my gut that something needs to change returns.

Christina is opening the hospital door just as I arrive there. She sees me and her eyes go wide in surprise.

"Hi Christina," I say with some amusement as we enter the hospital.

"Hi Four. What are you doing here? I thought you start working today?"

"No, I was just being shown jobs. I have to choose something first. Tomorrow I'll start somewhere to try it out."

"Oh," Christina says. She chews her lip. "Well, Tris isn't here."

I frown. "What?"

"I mean, she's here, but she's not in her room. She's at physical therapy."

I look at my watch. It's almost four o'clock. "Oh. Well, she should be back soon, right? I'll just wait for her."

Christina's lip chewing becomes more intense. "No, I don't think so. I think she'll be gone for a while. She told me they were starting some new method with her and it would take longer. It might take hours."

I squint my eyes at Christina. Tris didn't mention that to me. But why should Christina lie? "So why are you here?" I ask.

Christina looks up at me. "I'm here for something else. I have to go now. Bye." With that, she takes off down a hall and soon disappears. _That was odd._

I stand there for a moment and wonder what to do. Then I remember Uriah is still in intensive care. Zeke and Hana begged the doctors to give him some more time, just in case there is any hope he might get better. I guess seeing Tris in the same state and getting better so quickly, they couldn't help but hope that maybe he too would wake up again. But there's been no change in him and the doctors are insisting he be taken off life support soon. I've been to see him twice before, but the guilt always made me leave again soon. I think Tris also feels awkward about it now – like she wonders why she was given another chance and he wasn't. I sigh. Maybe this is a good chance to spend time with him while he's still here.

(page break)

Tris POV:

I wipe a bead of sweat from the bridge of my nose and glance at the clock. 4. That means we'll be done any second. I remain in my position, standing firmly with my legs spread a bit farther than shoulder width apart in a deep crouch, my arms outstretched to the front of me. This is my last exercise for the day, to strengthen my leg muscles; it should increase my stability while walking.

I look at the clock again. My legs begin to tremble. When do I get to stop?

Finally and mercifully my physical therapist says, "Ok, you can relax now, Tris." I quickly stand and let out a long breath. "Shake it out." I walk tentatively in a small circle, shaking out my legs and rubbing them.

Just then Christina bursts in the door. I frown at her. What's she doing here? Oddly enough, Ivana, my physical therapist only looks over at Christina for a moment and looks back at me. As if she were expecting her.

I stand up straight. "Christina, what's going on?" Ivana and Christina share a look. How do they know each other?

Christina explains excitedly, "Well, what you told me a few days ago stuck in my mind. You want to get better, preferably fast, and you're worried it's not possible. I've been talking to some people and we've devised a plan."

"Some people?" I ask.

"I started with Dr. Cooke. Then I spoke to a few other doctors, Dr. Jones, Dr. Torres, Dr. Zimmermann. And then I spoke to Ivana and her team." I can only stare at her. That's nearly everyone that's had any say in my recovery process so far. "Oh, and I talked to a few nurses." Ok, now that's everyone. Christina smiles at my disbelieving expression. "Don't worry, I didn't tell everyone what we're up to. I just wanted to get a general impression of how well you are. I did share your concerns with Dr. Cooke and Dr. Zimmermann." Dr. Zimmermann was the main surgeon and he's been overseeing the recovery of my wounds. "And then Ivana and I had a nice long chat. Do you want to know what we came up with?" Christina's smile is nearly cracking her face in half by now. I feel faint; I can only nod slightly to tell her to go on.

Ivana picks up. "There are several issues that need to be attended. You had a lot of tissue damage where the bullets entered and then more from the surgery to get them out. Time will heal that, but a proper exercise regime will ensure it heals well. Then you spent over a month lying down without any movement. That means you lost a lot of muscle mass and are generally weak. This too can only be changed through exercise. But there is also a neurological aspect to this. Comas tend to have something of a 'reset' effect – people lose functions and abilities they had already developed. While in your case very little was lost, we still have a lot of work to do with your coordination. Christina tells me you weren't just healthy, but physically very able before. I understand you were something of a warrior?"

"Didn't you see me on the screens, Ivana?" I ask in annoyance. I hate it when the people here ask questions to pretend not to know things about our lives.

"No, actually," she replies. This surprises me, I never realized some of them chose not to observe us.

"Oh," I say. "Well, we were in the Dauntless faction, so I guess you could say we were the warriors of the city. And in the last few weeks before arriving here there was a war, so we actually had to fight."

Ivana nods. "This means you have higher expectations for your recovery. You don't just want to be able to walk and talk and write, you also want to be fast and well-coordinated. Perhaps you would like to be able to shoot again." I squeeze my eyes shut for a moment. Ivana doesn't seem to notice. "And you want quick results."

I do. But what will all this require of me? "Dr. Cooke agrees with this plan?" I ask nervously.

"Yes, he actually helped us come up with it. He said he worries you might push yourself too hard, but he trusts Ivana's judgment and he prefers you push yourself with her supervision than without," Christina answers. "And Zeke helped us, too. He told Ivana about how the Dauntless are trained. He didn't really know what it was for, though, she just said she was interested."

It's very impressive how much trouble Christina has gone through all because I'm not happy with my progress. I guess there's a little bit of Abnegation in everyone. Before these thoughts make me get too emotional, I quickly say "Ok, tell me about the plan."

"There's one more problem first," Ivana says. "The bullet in your leg." She points a slender hand towards my leg. I look down at it, as if I could see the bullet lodged in my thigh underneath the pants, the skin and the muscle. "The doctors have been planning on removing it in a month or two. But then you will have to recover from that surgery again and this will definitely be a setback. And there's only so much we can do now with the bullet still in there." Ivana cocks her head at me in a curious manner. Her long blond ponytail slips over one shoulder. "We've convinced Drs. Cooke and Zimmermann that it would be best to get this last surgery done sooner than later. They say you can have the bullet removed in a week if you continue progressing until then. Dr. Cooke says to let you decide if you want to."

Another surgery. That means being anesthetized again. The thought makes a feeling of panic arise in me, constricting my chest. I squeeze my eyes shut again and breathe deeply to calm myself. This is something I haven't spoken about with anyone yet – not with Christina, not with Tobias or Dr. Cooke, but right now there is nothing I fear more than returning to that ocean of darkness and pain. At night I leave my curtains slightly open so the light from the light posts outside the hospital can shine in. I've never been under full anesthesia before except maybe after being shot, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have an idea what was going anyway. Will it be like the coma? I don't think I can handle that one more time. But I agree with Ivana, waiting to remove the bullet will only slow my progress and I have to move on, I can't be constantly concerned with getting better. There is so much to do outside of this hospital.

"Ok," I say. "Next week. I'll tell Dr. Cooke tonight when he comes to see me." Ivana smiles approvingly. Christina seems not to have expected anything else. "What do we do until then?"

They explain the training plan for the following week to me. It consists of different kind of exercises to increase my strength, stamina, and most of all coordination. I will have to take a break for a few days after the surgery and then slowly work into it again, so Ivana wants me to work hard this week to make up for that. We begin straight away. Every day I will have an hour of the 'classical' physical therapy followed by two to three hours of additional exercises.

As I lie down on the mat to begin the first round of core exercises, I look at the clock and see that it's almost 5. "Wait," I say. "Tobias doesn't know where I am, he'll worry."

Christina responds, "I already told him. I didn't say anything specific, I just said you were at physical therapy and it might take a few hours." Then she looks at me and says, "What?" defensively. "I just happened to run into him on my way here, ok?"

"You really thought of everything, didn't you, Christina?" She just grins at me.

Soon I realize Christina intends to train with me. She has her own workout plan, which is more rigid than mine, but a lot of the exercises she does together with me.

Ivana spends the next two hours torturing me. There is no other way to describe it. By the time we are done, I am covered in sweat, my wounds ache and every single part of my body, even my fingers and toes, hurts. I feel as if I might faint soon. It seems Ivana is very confident in what I'm capable of. Perhaps even more so than I am because I never would have thought that I could make it through that. While they look nothing alike – Ivana has pale skin and long blond hair, she is tall and thin but surprisingly muscular, and her eyes are like blue ice – something about her reminds me of Tori. I imagine this is what Tori would have been like as an initiate instructor. There is a warmth to her but also a certain sense of little tolerance for weakness. I don't think there will be much need for me to push myself much with Ivana here to make sure I am making progress.

I walk slowly back to my room after we are done, taking ginger steps to avoid more pain. Christina is excited and talks to me the whole way, but I'm so exhausted I can hardly hear her. She takes off in the other direction when we reach my hall saying, "Bye, Tris! See you tomorrow!"

Tomorrow. Great.

When I reach my room I am not surprised to find Tobias standing in it. He's facing the window looking outside; the fading daylight shows a few snowflakes falling gently from the gray sky. I take a moment to just observe him. He's wearing a black sweater with a round neck, a blue shirt hem peeking out from underneath, and jeans. Two black flames are just visible climbing up his neck. His shoulders are broad and his stance is sturdy. Everything about him gives the impression of strength and stability, though I know he is also volatile in a way. Part rock, part water, part fire. I love him.

He turns towards me. I probably look terrible – sweaty, my hair matted to my head, limping slightly. Concern fills his dark blue eyes immediately as he rushes over and surrounds me in his embrace. "Tris! What happened? Are you ok? Where were you?" I can feel him clench his fists as he hugs me tighter for an instance; I pull gently out of his embrace and take his hands in mine, trying to transmit my sense of calm to him.

"I'm fine. I'm just tired. I had physical therapy."

"But that started at 3!" he exclaims.

"I know. It's pretty long and very intense." Again, I see worry fill his eyes. "I'm fine, Tobias, really. I wanted to do more than just the one hour every day. So Ivana and Christina came up with something which will help me get better faster."

His eyebrows furrow down. "Christina. That's why she was acting that way… Are you sure it's safe though? Aren't you supposed to take it easy?"

"I want to do anything but take it easy," I reply in exasperation. "And there's no need to worry, Ivana knows what she's doing and the doctors are in on it." This seems to calm his apprehensions a bit. "Speaking of which, have you seen Dr. Cooke?"

"No," Tobias answers. He places a hand on my cheek. I lean into his hand and cover it with mine. I know this means he's relieved to see that everything is ok. I'm just exhausted and happy to be with him.

After a few peaceful moments I open my eyes and say, "I'm going to take a shower quickly before Dr. Cooke comes back. I'm pretty sure I don't smell very nice."

Tobias grins. "You're right." I punch him in the shoulder with my good hand. It hurts me, too, but it's worth it. He rubs his arm as I turn to my little closet and get a change of clothes. "I think you're already stronger, Tris. You don't need to work out so much."

I laugh and enter my bathroom. "See you in a minute," I say and close the door.

It's only the second day I've been showering without a nurse's help, and I'm definitely in more pain than usual, but I manage well enough. The scar tissue around my wounds seems redder and more swollen than usual. I shower quickly and get dressed. It still feels strange to wear any color I choose. The compound has provided me with the clothes I have now so I can finally stop wearing hospital gowns. I put on dark gray sweat pants and a white tank top. I make a mental note to ask for more clothes to exercise in – at this rate, I'll need fresh clothes for training every day.

Tobias looks at me as I leave the bathroom. I'm still toweling my hair dry. His expression makes me nervous. He seems to be taking in every inch of me. I suddenly become very aware of how pale and skinny I am, of the pink scars on my right arm and left shoulder so visible. I pick up a light blue hooded sweater from the bed to put on, but Tobias says softly, "No. Don't."

I look at him, the sweater still in my hands. He gets up from his chair and approaches me. I can feel my heartbeat increasing as he gets closer. His presence is so strong in this moment that it overwhelms me. I'm afraid and nervous and anxious all at once. He stands a few inches away from me, then runs his hands through my wet hair which is now almost shoulder length. Tobias leans down so he's looking into my eyes. "Tris, you're so beautiful."

I think I'm trembling. But it isn't fear that's coursing through my veins, it's desire. I long for him. He is mine. Our lips meet in a kiss as delicate as a flower petal, but it isn't enough. I press harder into him, and my hands find their way to his body, slide over his waist and his back. He tightens his grip on my hair and for a moment we are lost in each other.

Then a quiet knock on my door brings us back to reality. We both look at the door. "Dr. Cooke," I say breathlessly. I reluctantly let Tobias go and walk towards the door. It's Dr. Cooke as I expected and he is accompanied by Dr. Zimmermann.

"Miss Prior," Dr. Cooke explains happily. "How good to see you out and about like this." He looks over at Tobias, who is now standing behind the chair with his hands resting on it. "Mr. Eaton."

We greet each other and the doctors enter my room. I quickly put on my sweater, hang the towel up on a peg on the bathroom door and take a seat on the bed. The men all remain standing.

The doctors ask me to tell them about how I am doing. They ask several specific questions, especially about my new training regime with Ivana. Dr. Zimmermann inspects my scars for which I have to take off my sweater again. I'm happy for the loose sweatpants because I can push them up enough for him to inspect the back of my thigh without having to undress further. They feel around the wound for some time while I lie on my stomach, talking to each other. Finally Dr. Zimmermann asks what I think about removing the bullet sooner rather than later. I notice Tobias is surprised by the question, but I have already made up my mind. I sit up again.

"If you both agree, I would like to do the surgery next week," I say.

Dr. Cooke nods. "I thought you would say so, Miss Prior. If you continue doing as well as you have this past week, we see no reason not to. We will of course continue observing you to make sure another surgery does not present an unnecessary risk which may be harmful to your health."

I expected this part. Now comes the uncertain bit. "I really want to do this, I think it would help me move on faster. But I don't want it done under full anesthesia."

The Drs. look at each other. I can feel Tobias stiffen where he stands. I avoid looking at him.

"Miss Prior…" Dr. Zimmermann begins. "I'm not sure if you're aware what that means. The bullet is in very deep. We can use local anesthetics, of course, but there is no way we can guarantee you won't feel any pain. Only a full anesthesia can ensure that."

"I do understand, Dr. Zimmermann. I'm not afraid of pain."

Dr. Zimmermann seems troubled, but Dr. Cooke just looks at me curiously. I feel as if he understands me better than anyone except perhaps Caleb and Tobias. In some things maybe even more because he isn't blinded by his feelings for me like they are. "What _are_ you afraid of, Miss Prior?"

I feared he would ask me this question. What can I say? The truth? Am I ready to share this with anyone yet, with these three men? Perhaps if it were only Dr. Cooke… I look down at my mattress.

"Well, maybe we'll just see how this week goes and talk about this again in a few days. What do you think?" Dr. Cooke suggests. I'm thankful he didn't press the subject. I nod.

He takes some notes in the clipboard which always hangs by my bed and then flips through the pages for a moment. Dr. Zimmermann asks about my antibiotics. It seems they are through with their questions when Dr. Cooke notices something on one of the pages. "I see we haven't tested your reactions in some time, Miss Prior. Are you feeling very tired right now or do you think we might still be able to do a little test tonight?" I look at him. I didn't think there would be any more such tests now that I'm clearly fully awake. Dr. Zimmermann also seems perplexed, but he doesn't say anything.

"I'm alright for a short test," I answer.

"Excellent," he replies. "Then follow me to my office." I get up feeling a bit confused and wave to Tobias. Dr. Zimmermann bids us good-bye and we leave the room together. Dr. Cooke and I walk to his office which is thankfully on the same floor. When we arrive there he asks me to take a seat. He opens some drawers and pulls out some things. Soon he hammers lightly on my knees, just above my elbows, at other joints. He pricks my feet, shines a flashlight in my eyes, asks me to do different movements with my eyes closed or open, sometimes he presses against my arms or legs to resist the movements. Once he asks me to close my eyes and hold a pen, then a coin, then a syringe and I am to identify each object. We've been through these tests several times before in the past two weeks. My reactions are generally normal, though sometimes a bit slow or weak. It's not different from anything I expected.

Dr. Cooke finally takes a seat in front of me. "Are you afraid of being anesthetized because it might remind you of the coma?" he asks directly but in a gentle tone.

I look down at my bare feet dangling in the air above the floor. "Yes," I say quietly.

"If I told you that anesthesia is nothing like a coma, that you just close your eyes and the next thing you know you're awake, would you believe me? And I say this not just based on scientific knowledge but also on experience because I have been under full anesthesia before."

I think about this. He wants to know if he can convince me to understand this thing, so I can rationalize my fear. But my fear isn't rational. I shake my head.

He sighs. A long silence stretches out. At last Dr. Cooke says, "Miss Prior, you never told me what you experienced during the coma."

I look at him. I have grown to trust this kindly man like I have trusted few people before. He has proven time and time again that he is not only competent but also intuitive and compassionate. I wonder if that is enough. It has to be enough.

"It was horrible," I say in a faint voice. And then I shortly describe the two phases, first the dark ocean and the pain, second being awake but not being able to interact with the world. I don't say much and I am unsure how to describe it, but somehow I think Dr. Cooke is filling the gaps with his immense knowledge and experience. When I am done I almost expect to see fascination in his eyes, but all I see is a profound sympathy. That's something I love about him, he is clearly very interested in his area of expertise, but his human empathy is stronger. Knowledge isn't above everything else for him, it is rather a means to an end, and that end is the well-being of his patients. In that he is so like my father who gave up being Erudite despite his intelligence because he couldn't do enough for others there.

"I'm so sorry. That must have been very difficult to go through. Not all comas are like your experience, in fact I have come to believe that each experience is as unique as the situation of the patient, but we are recognizing now that a good many coma patients are in some way conscious and aware of what's happening. And many remember that time. Miss Prior, I was convinced of your strength from the moment I heard what had happened to you, but I think nothing has proven it to me more than this knowledge of what it was like for you during that month. You are handling this extremely well."

His words are oddly comforting, but I don't know how to answer them, so I remain quiet. What now?

"You know, you could talk to someone about all of this. Someone professional, I mean, someone who can help you think through all this. There are two very capable psychologists on this compound, I'm sure they could be of great assistance to you. You will have to heal on the inside as much as on the outside."

I nod. While I'm doubtful talking to some qualified stranger will help me, I do agree that there is much healing within that needs to take place.

"In light of all this, I do see how the idea of a full anesthesia might be frightening. I don't know if you are ready to deal with great amounts of pain, though."

I stare at him. "What do you think I'm doing right now?"

Dr. Cooke laughs lightly. It's a happy sound. "I suppose you're right. Let's see how the next few days go, alright?"

"Ok," I say.

With that he gets up and walks towards the door. I follow him. Just as I am about to pass through the door, he places a hand on my shoulder. "In a few weeks I will have to leave." I'm surprised. Why leave? "I don't actually live here, I was just brought here to help with your case and with the mass memory loss that took place. Once that's all done, I will return to where I'm from, which is Las Angeles. I just wanted to let you know that I won't be here indefinitely. If you ever need to talk to me about anything, please come see me or have me sent. I always have an open ear for you."

I thank him and then we say good-bye and go separate ways.

(page break)

Four POV:

After some time Tris returns to her room. I'm anxious and nervous, but I can see how tired she is, so I tell her she should rest a bit and we can talk later. Her thankful look is enough to fuel my patience. She brushes her teeth and takes off the blue sweater she's wearing. A tiny sliver of her lower back appears as she is pulling the sweater over her head and it makes my fingers itch to slide over her pale skin. She climbs into her bed. I pull the blankets to cover her tightly and kiss her forehead. "Tobias?" She says looking up at me with her eyes wide. "Will you stay with me a little bit?"

I torn off the light in the room. As I go to close the curtains, she says, "No. Leave them open, please." So I leave them open and pull the chair closer to her bed so I can sit with her hand in mine. It reminds of all those hours I spent watching her helplessly in the intensive care. The memory fills me with pain and relief so I squeeze her hand tightly. She squeezes back. The light from the window falls softly on her face and she seems almost like a ghost, like some apparition from another world. I watch her eyes fall closed, listen to her breathing even out. This is where I will stay.


	11. Chapter 11

**Author's Note: Here's another chapter! :)**

* * *

Chapter Eleven

Tris POV:

I awake to a bright light streaming in from the partly open curtains. For the first time in days the thick blanket of clouds has parted. I sit up and see that the world has become white overnight. It's only a light coating of snow and will probably be gone by midday, but the sight makes me smile. I always loved the quiet calm of winter.

Only then do I notice that Tobias is still sitting in the chair next to my bed asleep. A feeling of affection so intense it's nearly painful gushes up in me. He wanted to talk to me so much he couldn't leave, but he knew I was tired so he let me sleep. I quietly get up and kiss him lightly on the cheek. He groans faintly and blindly raises his arms to embrace me. I let him hold me with his cheek resting on my stomach while I stand in front of him. Sometimes I wonder how I ever lived life without this. I think of my parents and ask myself if they had thoughts like these when they fell in love. Usually thoughts of my parents are accompanied with pain and regret, but now I only feel a distant longing for my mother's arms or my father's wise words. I know they aren't really somewhere else.

Tobias finally sits up straight and stretches. I look at him. "You didn't leave."

"I didn't leave," he replies earnestly.

I take his hand in mine and kiss it. Then I go to the bathroom with fresh clothes and wash my face, brush my teeth and get changed. Today I wear a tight black short sleeved shirt and jeans. By the time I'm out Tobias is standing at the window looking out. _It's our first winter together_, I think. The thought makes me curious.

"Do you like snow, Tobias?" He continues to look out the window.

"I used to not like snow, not like winter in general."

"Used to?"

He looks at me and shrugs. "This time it feels like that might change." I nod. I'm not sure I know exactly what he means, but I think I understand in a way.

He goes into the bathroom, brushing my upper arm with his fingers as he passes me. I tell him I have an unused toothbrush under the sink and then he too is brushing his teeth and watching his face. I put on the blue sweater again and observe the quiet world outside while I wait. When he comes out little beads of water show on his thick dark hair. Sometimes I wish our lives were only made of moments like these, being together and happy. But I know he is curious about what happened yesterday and I know there are things we need to do. Life isn't just about moments like these, though it seems they make life worth living.

Tobias sits down on my bed. I lean against the back of the chair – our eyes are at the same height now. "So?" he asks simply. He knows I know what he means. This makes me smile.

"So… Dr. Cooke examined my nervous reactions last night. I don't know if he really needed to, I think he just wanted to talk to me alone." Four nods. I don't feel quite ready to tell him about my fear. "And the reason my physical therapy is so long is that I told Christina I'm worried I might never get better, that I might never be as I was before. I know my progress is ok, but it feels so slow to me. I feel like I'm trapped in my body and can't do anything else until I'm healed, and who knows how long that will take? So Christina talked to the doctors and to Ivana about it and they've come up with some intense training plan to get me better quickly." Again I see the worry in his dark blue eyes. "The doctors are ok with it, really. We're not going too far… just as far as is humanly possible without causing me lasting harm," I add the last bit under my breath. Tobias notices my tone but gladly chooses to ignore it.

"I guess it's good if the doctors think it's ok. And you're with Ivana."

"And Chris," I add. This just makes Tobias grunt doubtfully which makes me laugh.

"And what about the surgery? You can't really want them to dig around in your leg without anesthetics, Tris."

"Not without anesthetics, Tobias. It would just be with local anesthesia. And this point is not up for discussion. Dr. Cooke hasn't given me a definite answer yet, but either we do it next week with local anesthetics or in a few more weeks when everyone thinks I'm strong enough." I know I sound stubborn, but it's true. This isn't up for discussion.

Tobias looks at me closely. Can he see the fear in my eyes? I've been trying to hide it, but his eyes see so much when it comes to me, now more than ever. "Is it the darkness you're afraid of, Tris?" he asks quietly.

Tears suddenly fill my eyes and I look away. I nod. He breathes heavily, but doesn't say anything. I know he wants to comfort me, but he also isn't one to baby me, no matter how overbearing and protective he can get. We are experienced in the area of fear, after all.

"Well, then I guess that means you're Seven again."

I stare at him, slightly incredulous. "Seven? I tell you this and all you think of is my fear landscape?" He shrugs. "And how do you know my other fears haven't changed, too? Maybe I'm not still afraid of the crows or being burnt alive or…" Somehow I know my fear of drowning in that immense ocean hasn't gone. But I'm sure I no longer fear my parents' deaths. I don't think I fear death at all anymore, in a way I look forward to it.

"You're right about that. Maybe you're not Seven. Maybe you're Three. Or Eleven. Who knows?" He seems to be saying it doesn't matter, which is of course true. It's strange that something could have seemed so important at one point in your life and then becomes so meaningless later.

We're both quiet for a while. I look at the clock next to my bed. It's seven thirty now which means that breakfast will arrive in half an hour. "How did it go with the jobs yesterday, Tobias?"

He tells me about his day. He sounds impressed with the size of the compound and the number of jobs Zoe showed him. I can hear the tiniest longing in his voice when he speaks of the fields and the greenhouses, but I think it's just the memory of the peaceful Amity that causes that. Somehow I can't imagine Tobias farming. The workshops seem to attract him the most. He is already good with cars and computers, it would only be another step for him to learn more about repairing them. And I can imagine him building things, fixing furniture and appliances, working with his strong, beautiful hands. Yes, there is definitely a side to him that was made for that.

When he's done telling me about everything I ask him the obvious question. "So what are you going to do?" By now my legs are tired so I sit down next to him on the bed. He places a hand on his neck and rubs it. "I don't know… Zoe told me to try different jobs out first, so I guess I'll do that. I might start outside at the greenhouses and work my way in, spend a few days at each place."

"Sounds like a good maneuver to delay making a decision."

He glares at me, but I just look back at him placidly and his stare loses it heat. "Well, what do you think I should do?"

I'm flattered he asked me, but I feel a bit uncomfortable with the question because I actually have a suggestion for him. I don't know if he just expects me to tell him he has to do what he thinks is best or something like that. But that wouldn't be honest.

"Tobias, have you ever considered becoming a leader?"

He blinks at me. "Yes, Tris, and in case you've forgotten, it didn't go so well."

I shake my head. "No, I don't think you ever truly accepted a leadership role. I think you were always too afraid of what you might do if given too much power. But I've thought for a long time that you have all the qualities of a good leader, including a certain dislike for the task." I pause. "And I think that back then, although I already thought that way, I didn't really help you develop that side of you. I wanted you to be a leader, but I also wanted you to do as I think." It's difficult to say this, but I also think it's necessary.

"But you were right every time and I was wrong, Tris." I shake my head.

"Not every time. And, like I said, you weren't really acting as a leader. I don't think many of your reasons for making decisions were necessarily right – that's what led to you make bad choices. You made decisions out of fear and doubt and desire, not because it was what you thought was right."

He thinks about this. I know my words are harsh, but I want him to understand I believe he can do differently if he manages to let go of the ghosts of his past. I'm afraid how he will react, though.

Finally Tobias shakes his head, as if he could shake away a thought. "I don't know, Tris. In some ways I see what you're saying, in other ways I don't."

"That's ok. I don't have to be totally right, it's just what I observed. But please think about it, Tobias. If you're going to try out different jobs for a while, why not try out one of those that might lead you to a leadership position? God knows this place is in desperate need of good leadership if anything is to change here."

He only looks at me for a while before agreeing. "I'll think about it. But there's one big problem in this idea: David."

I sigh. "Tobias, you can't hate him forever. He did what he did because he thought he was protecting something important. He thought he was doing something good for the world. He's changed now anyway, he doesn't believe any of that bullshit anymore. And, besides, I'm fine now! You have to let it go eventually."

"Yes, Tris, you're fine - besides the lifelong damage done to your body and mind - but not thanks to him! He tried to kill you and I'm sure if you hadn't set off the memory serum, he would regret that he didn't succeed!"

"Peter tried to kill me and then later he saved my life. My brother loved me once, then he left me to get executed and still you saved him for me. It's not that simple, Tobias." I say quietly.

He exhales loudly through his nose. I realize it's too much, me challenging everything he says, asking that he re-think his positions over and over. But now I've said it all and can't take it back. I wish I could just defuse this tension in the air. I look outside. And then suddenly I stare back at Tobias. "Wanna have a snowball fight?" I ask.

His look goes from surprised, to incredulous, to amused in a second. Then he laughs. I grin. We both get up quickly and put on our shoes. I grab a jacket and a scarf, he pulls on his jacket, then grabs my hand and we run out the door. As we pass the nurse's station, one calls out, "Breakfast is in ten minutes!"

"Ok!" I yell and we keep on running.

After fifteen minutes of running, screeching, throwing snowballs and kissing, we trudge back inside holding hands. We are completely wet, out of breath and grinning from ear to ear. The nurse sees us and gasps. "Miss Prior!" seems to be the only thing she can say.

"I'm fine," I say quickly. "I'll change into something dry." I do so as soon as we enter the room, after leaving our shoes outside. Tobias just takes off his jacket and shakes his head to make the snow fall off. Then I get back in bed and cover myself with a blanket and promptly eat my breakfast. Tobias just smirks at me.

He updates me on the compound and the city as I eat. While he doesn't say so, I can tell he's worried about Chicago and about how things are going here. There are so many problems, so many questions and so few answers. As he tells me about the new people coming in from the city, I have an idea.

"Tobias, why don't we gather everyone from the city?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, let's have a meeting. Let's get everyone from the city who is here now together and talk."

"About what?" I know he has some thoughts on this, I can see them spinning around behind those blue eyes of his, but he wants to hear my idea out first. To me this is a sign of great respect.

I'm not sure how to answer at first. "Well… about all of it. We could see how everyone is adjusting, ask what they experienced in the city, how they see things. We could answer questions about the compound and the world outside. And…" I hesitate. To me this is the most important part. "Maybe we could gather ideas about how to help the city. We can't just leave them to their fate."

He nods. "I thought that, too. And who better to help than us, who know the city so well?"

"So you agree?"

"Yes," he says. "I just wonder who should organize this meeting and how." I look at him pointedly. "What? Me?" I nod. "Hm. Leadership and what not," he grumbles.

"Well, why not? It's our idea and I can hardly be the one to do it stuck in the hospital this way."

"I suppose I could talk to a few people. It shouldn't be so hard to get everyone together since it's not that many people."

The nurse comes to take my tray and bring my antibiotic drip. Tomorrow will be my last day taking it, of which I'm glad. She tells me my physical therapy will now begin at 10:00 each morning and leaves. The door is hardly closed for a second when someone knocks on it. I look at Tobias. "Come in," I say.

The door opens and there stands Evelyn. Her hair is longer and she seems to be eating better than before, but other than that she seems unchanged. Her eyes go wide in surprise as she sees Tobias standing next to me. "Tobias! I wasn't expecting you here," she says breathlessly. Her eyes dart between us and then she says, "I'm sorry, I just wanted to visit Beatrice, I think I'll go and come back some other time…"

She begins to turn away, but I say, "No, Evelyn, please come in. You're not bothering us." I look at Tobias and he voices his agreement. She halts. It's then I notice that there is a skinny girl standing behind her, peeking her head out to look at us. The girl looks to be around nine and has tan skin and dark curly hair. Her nose is slightly hooked and her eyes are dark brown, almost black. Evelyn stands uncertainly in the doorway.

I stand up and approach her, pulling my antibiotic drip along with me. "Please, join us. You're both welcome here. We can get more chairs in the hall." I bend down so my eyes are level with the child. "Hello," I say.

The girl looks at me with doubt in her eyes. Then she says, "Who are_ you_?" in an almost contemptuous manner. She's certainly brave. I like her.

"My name is Tris," I say. "Well, it's Beatrice, but most people call me Tris." I stick out my hand. "What's your name?"

She ignores my hand. "Tin," she nearly spits out.

"Tin?" I ask. "Like a tin can?"

Evelyn answers this time. "Her name is Kristin. But everyone calls her Tin." I look at Tin. Kristin. That name sounds familiar, but I can't place it.

Evelyn and Tin enter the room and Tobias leaves quickly to get chairs. I know he is suspicious about his mother coming to visit me, but I'm honestly happy about it. I was hoping she would come for a while now. The child is a true mystery, though: why did Evelyn bring her along? We stand around in awkward silence until Tobias returns. I can't help but notice how Tin lights up when she sees him. And how she glares at me. This child must be under the impression I've done something terrible. I hope Evelyn hasn't said anything bad about me.

Evelyn and Tin sit next to each other on the chairs, Tobias and I on the bed. I say that I'm glad Evelyn came here to see me and then we wait for her to say something. She is quiet for a moment. Then she says,

"Kristin, this is Tobias Eaton. He's my son. Marcus Eaton, my ex-husband, is his father." Tin looks up at Tobias and her dark eyes are filled with adoration. In that instant I understand who Tin is and I think I know why Evelyn brought her here. Tobias only draws his eyebrows down in confusion.

Evelyn looks Tobias firmly in the eyes. "Tobias, this is my daughter Kristin. She's your half-sister."


	12. Chapter 12

**Author's note: Hello everybody! So sorry I haven't posted in such a long time! Here's the new chapter finally. :) I'll try to post more regularly. Please follow and review!**

* * *

Chapter Twelve

Four:

My mind reels. _My… sister?_

I look back at this child that supposedly shares my blood. I can see it now that I know. The tan skin, dark hair, hooked nose… She has dark, almost black eyes like Evelyn. So she's Evelyn's daughter. My sister, but not Marcus's daughter. I look back at my mother. Inside me, panic, anger and frustration flare up in alternating waves. I thought we were finally going to be able to move forward; I thought I was rebuilding my family with Tris and Evelyn and the few friends I still have. These things were supposed to get simpler now, not even more complicated. How can Evelyn have kept this from me all this time?

My eyes wander back to Tin of their own accord. She's very pretty in the way that a child is and there's a light in her eyes that somehow reminds me of Tris. She seems to look at me in affection. She knew. Evelyn must have told her she has a brother and it looks like she liked the idea. Do I like the idea? I see this small, fragile being and all I can think of is Marcus's fists hitting me over and over again. What if I am like him? What if I hurt her?

All of these thoughts and emotions course through me in an instant. Before I begin to choke on the rising panic, I take hold of my anger and growl at Evelyn, "What? Why didn't you tell me?"

Evelyn's eyes are filled with guilt and fear, but she remains firm. Good, because she'll get no pity from me this time. "I was afraid. No one except a handful of the factionless knew about her and I was worried what might happen if others found out. When you joined us in the fight, I thought about telling you every day, but I never managed to find the right time, the right way. And then you were gone before I knew how to tell you."

"I think you had enough opportunities, Evelyn!" I nearly shout.

She shrinks back slightly, but doesn't back down. "Maybe you're right, Tobias. But it didn't seem that way to me at the time." Her eyes squeeze shut for an instant. "Does it matter now?"

I exhale, trying to release some of the anger, trying to regain some composure. "Who's the father? The man you had an affair with?"

Evelyn looks worriedly at Tin for an instant, but turns her attention back to me. "Yes. I told you before that was why I left, but in truth that was only part of the reason. I knew I was pregnant. And I knew it wasn't Marcus's child. I was afraid what he might do if he found out, so I left before anyone knew I was expecting another child."

It makes so much sense. I always thought my mother left me at Marcus's mercy so she could save herself. But now I know she left to save this child. She sacrificed me because I was older and at least had the minimal protection of being Marcus's trueborn son in order to protect the baby growing in her womb. The thought makes me feel numb inside. Maybe I should feel jealousy or resentment towards this girl whose own well-being was placed before my own, but all I can think is how difficult this decision must have been for Evelyn. I see my mother in a completely new light. At the core, she really is Abnegation. I always saw her leaving as selfish, but now I'm beginning to think it was probably the most selfless act of her life. For the first time in my life I agree with her leaving. I just wish she could have found a way to take me with her.

It's only early morning, but I already feel weary. _If I had always known this_. "Why did you lie to me, Evelyn? Why?"

My mother doesn't reply. She just looks at her hands in her lap.

"Why do people call you Four?" Tin speaks up suddenly in her child's voice. I look at her.

After a moment Tris answers. "It's because he only has four fears. Part of the training to become Dauntless involves going through simulations in which you have to face your worst fears. Most people have at least ten fears, but your brother only has four. It's the least that anyone knows of, so they gave him that nickname. All the Dauntless know him as Four."

Tin looks at Tris while she speaks. She wants to know what Tris has to say, but it's easy to see she doesn't like her. I wonder why. Then Tin looks back at me.

"So you're the bravest Dauntless?" she asks.

I feel awkward under her gaze of affection and admiration, like she has some image of me I won't live up to. "Bravery isn't about not having fear. It's about acting in the face of fear, about not letting fear overcome you."

Tin's gaze is intense as she thinks about this, then she nods. "So someone with a whole bunch of fears can also be brave. How many fears you have doesn't matter."

"Yes," I respond.

"I still think you're brave," she whispers shyly and looks away. I can't help but smile. There's something strong and fierce about this child, but she is also just a child.

"Thank you," I answer embarrassedly.

Evelyn and Tris have been watching our interaction with great interest. They share a look for a moment and then Tris speaks up. "Evelyn, would you like to walk with me for a while? You said you came here because you wanted to talk to me and the doctors say I should move around as much as possible." Evelyn nods and the two start to get up before I completely understand. They want to leave me alone with her.

"No," I say loudly and stand up. Everyone jumps back slightly in surprise. "No, you don't have to leave. I … I have to go now anyway. I said I would go to the greenhouses today. You can stay and talk to Tris without me, Evelyn."

Without another word I leave. As I pull the door closed behind me I see looks of bewilderment in Tris's and Evelyn's eyes and pure hurt in Tin's dark ones.

(page break)

Tris:

I watch the door shut behind Tobias. Part of me wants to go running after him, to console him and offer him comfort and advice. Another part of me is deeply disappointed. I know this is confusing and difficult for him, but can't he see how much his sister loves him?

Evelyn and I share another look. She too is disappointed. It's strange that we've become allies in this so quickly. I guess she is thinking of Tin and wishes she can finally have her brother in the flesh, but I think Tin would be really good for Tobias, too. He might need her as much as she needs him.

"How long have you known about Tobias, Tin?" I ask her. She just looks at me angrily. I can see unshed tears glisten in her eyes.

Evelyn's brows draw down in frustration. "She's known for over a year. I told her before I went to Dauntless to see Tobias for the first time after leaving Abnegation. It was very hard to keep her away from him while you were both with the factionless. I sent her to stay with some friends in a completely different part of the city during the fighting and several times she tried to run away from them so she could see him."

Tin just crosses her arms and looks sullenly at the floor. She tried so hard to see him and now he just walks away from her once they finally meet.

"Tin, please don't feel hurt because he left. It's not because of you." I say gently.

"How do _you_ know?" she spits out.

"I know. I know him very well." I answer, but I already know this isn't a good way to respond. Tin just lets out a doubtful sound.

Evelyn does a better job of answering the question. "She's right, Tin. It's not your fault he left. What reason could he possibly have not to like you? He doesn't even know you yet."

"Then why did he leave?" she asks, the hurt spilling into her voice. One solemn tear rolls down her cheek.

"I think Tobias is just… scared." I answer after a moment. This finally makes Tin look up. I wish she hadn't though, because her little face is screwed up in pain and contempt. It makes my stomach sink.

"He only has four fears and _you_ think he's afraid of _me_?" Her thin voice is shrill and loud and full of accusation

"I don't think he's afraid of you, I think he's afraid of the idea of having a little sister. He's surprised and confused and doesn't know what to do. I think he's afraid he'll do something wrong." I try to remain calm, but her manner towards me is gradually unsettling my nerves.

Tin crosses her arms again and looks back at the floor.

I look at Evelyn. My eyes demand an explanation. Evelyn sighs heavily and then touches Tin on the shoulder, "Kristin, sweetling, I'm sorry things haven't been going as planned, but I'm sure this will all get better in time. Let's give your brother some time, ok?" Tin just keeps looking at the floor.

Evelyn continues, "I'm going outside with Beatrice for a moment to have a word with her. You stay here. We'll be just in front of the door." With that Evelyn gets up and motions me to follow her. I follow and leave the room, close the door and we stand across the hall facing each other.

"Beatrice, I came to see you because I was afraid how Tobias would react to seeing Tin. Now I know I was right to worry." I open my mouth to speak, but she lifts her hand to stop me. "Let me just say a few things first, then you can share your thoughts." I incline my head for her to go on. "I've been spending some time with him lately and I realized some things. He was very clear the first time we met that he would only have me in his life if I accepted you. I was already expecting this demand, but I guess I still thought that perhaps this great love you claim was some temporary thing. I thought I would only have to put up with you for a while and eventually you two would break up and move on, whereas I will always remain his mother. It would be cruel of me to even suggest such a thing while you were just recovering from nearly being dead, so I simply let it be and decided not to speak of you at all while we were together. But soon I began to notice that Tobias really does love you. I can hear it in his voice when he says your name and I see it in his eyes when he talks about you. He didn't say much, but I began to get the feeling that you are actually good for him. There's something dark and twisted inside him and I suppose you know that, but you love him anyway. I've been thinking about these things for a few weeks. I even spoke to your friend Christina and to his friend Zeke about it because I wanted to get different opinions. They both agree: you two love each other and you do Tobias good. He's calmer, less aggressive, more open and just happier with you."

Her words sink into me. None of this is new, but that warm, soft feeling of love and affection spreads through me again. Everyone agrees – we belong together.

"I admit Beatrice, so far I have not liked you. I think you're stubborn, you think you're always right and you can't obey orders. You believe you're being independent and strong when in truth you're being reckless. But you are also very young and when we met we were all in a quite extreme situation. You lived your entire life in calm Abnegation, then you experienced Dauntless training and a war. I suppose anyone would have a hard time dealing with that. I'm a grown woman and have been through much more than you and I still committed a great many mistakes during the war."

I try to accept her criticism as she speaks and see myself through Evelyn's eyes. It isn't easy. She seems not to notice how arrogant she sounds, saying these things to me in such a cold, matter-of-fact way. But her last sentence makes my eyes widen in surprise. Evelyn smiles ruefully at the look.

"You see, I have been thinking a lot. Being here in this place and looking back at our lives in the city like it was all some big game – it has made me rethink many things. Including my own actions. But now that is all behind us. You could have died in that Weapon's lab – should have died by all accounts – but you didn't and here we are. Tobias loves you and he trusts you more than he trusts me. And I realize that, while you haven't known each other very long, you also probably know him better than I do. That's why I came here today. I wanted to tell you these things and ask for your help in introducing him to Tin. The second part has been ruined of course, but I still wanted you to know what I think."

It's a lot to take in, but I am thankful for Evelyn's honesty. She may not like me, and perhaps she never will, but she accepts me. And not in that grudging manner of someone who doesn't have any other choice. Her acceptance is born of seeing that our love is real and that it is good for Tobias. It's more than I expected really.

"Thank you, Evelyn, for telling me this. And thank you for choosing to trust me. I'm sorry it didn't go as planned."

We stand awkwardly in the hall. It feels like some truce peace was just signed and both sides are trying to forget all the hurts of the past and just focus on the present. But finally my bewilderment and frustration from earlier on return and I have to ask, "Evelyn, why does your daughter hate me?"

Evelyn sighs. "It's complicated, but I may be partly to blame for that." She looks at the door as if she could see her daughter through it. "Kristin has had a difficult life. Growing up factionless is never easy, and she's small for her age so the bigger kids always gave her a hard time. And there was the whole story with her father. She always wanted to know who he was, what he was like, everything about him. I told her some things, as much as I thought I could, but I never told her the complete truth. Then one day he found us. Tin was seven then. He was with a group of Abgenation volunteers but he managed to get separated from them and somehow he found me. He said he had been looking for us all these years. We met secretly several times and he got to know Tin. She fell in love with him. After a few months went by like this he told us he was going to leave his family in Abnegation and come stay with us. He had already spoken with his wife about it. Tin was so happy, we were finally going to be a family. But he never came. He simply never came. I even managed to go to where he works to see him, but he just passed by me as if he didn't know me. After that I told Tin he wasn't coming and that he had decided to stay with his wife and two children. I think somehow in her mind she decided that his wife had somehow convinced him to stay.

The next few years were very difficult for her. She started getting into fights all the time, she ran away several times, she was always in trouble. When I told her the truth about my past and Tobias for the first time she started screaming that she hates him, she hates him. After a long time I finally managed to get out of her why – she cried that he was her brother and he didn't care about her just like her dad. Then I told her that Tobias wasn't like her father, that he didn't even know she existed, that she hadn't been born when I left. That calmed her down and ever since then she has loved him. She constantly asks me questions about him and not a single week went by that she didn't ask me when they would finally meet."

Her story makes the pieces slowly fall together in my mind. I feel like I understand both Evelyn and Tin a bit more now and it makes my heart ache slightly. Such a sad story. But it still doesn't make complete sense. I don't know how to respond to the information about Evelyn's past, so I just jump straight to my question.

"And where do I play into this?"

Again, Evelyn's first response is a sigh. I can see she doesn't want to answer, but then she says, "I saw Tin a few times during the war. I would go visit her sometimes when I was visiting the outlying groups of factionless. And one of those times I mentioned you in her hearing…"

My eyes narrow. "You 'mentioned' me?"

"Yes. I was talking to someone else and I was frustrated about how things were going and then I said something about you and Tobias. Tin asked who you were and I answered 'Tobias's stupid girlfriend'." Evelyn looks slightly embarrassed and I feel my cheeks heat up, but she just presses on, "Then she asked why you're stupid and I said 'Because she thinks Tobias is hers.'" She falls silent and looks at the door.

I understand. "Tin thinks I'm going to try to keep Tobias away from her, like her father's wife did."

Evelyn pinches the bridge on her nose. "She's never said so herself, but I think so, yes. I didn't think anything of it then, but soon I started to notice how she always got angry when anyone mentioned your name. On our way here I asked Amar in private about you. He told me what had happened and I tried to talk to Tin about it. But she is very stubborn, she wouldn't relent in the slightest. None of my attempts so far have had any effect on her. I thought if she knew that I don't hate you, it might help her let go of her anger. But it didn't." Evelyn looks at me with apprehension creeping into her expression. "I'm sorry if I caused this situation, Beatrice, but I think you have to convince her yourself."

Finally the last piece of the puzzle falls into place. That's why Evelyn brought her daughter along. She wanted me to help her find a way to tell Tobias all this without upsetting him too much and she wanted to give me a chance to make Tin like me, or at least not hate me anymore. I look at the door of my room. I guess this is my chance.

(page break)

Tobias:

I wipe sweat from my forehead with my sleeve. A huge pile of dark, rich earth stands before me. I've spent most of the morning carrying shovels of soil from this large pile outside to different places in the greenhouses and just finished filling the last bed I was told to fill. The autumn harvesting is through and now the gardeners are preparing for the winter farming season. During the winter everything is grown in the greenhouses with special heated lights that simulate spring and then summer temperatures. By the time real spring comes there will be another harvest.

I'm thankful for the task. My muscles ache, my lungs are burning and my mind is clear. I've had several hours to think of the events this morning. I can see now that what I did was very cowardly. I was afraid so I ran away from the situation. It seems like there will always be some new challenge to encounter in life and that it's no good ever feeling comfortable where you are. I wonder vaguely if I should be called Five now and whether a little dark-haired girl fills my fear landscape. Perhaps it would still be the same fear of me turning into Marcus but this time I would be beating her. The thought makes me shiver.

I hear a bell ring. Then a head pops out of the nearest green house and calls out to me, "Lunch time!" I drop the shovel and join the people that are all walking towards a nearby building. I like the feeling of this place. It's a calm and simple life these people lead, but without the stifling conformity of the Abnegation or the exaggerated cheerfulness of the Amity. These are people that have found their place in this world and are content with it.

Once we reach the small dining hall for the farming department, I go to the adjacent restroom and wash my hands. Then I get a tray of food and take a seat at an empty table. A couple soon sits at my table, but they just smile in greeting and continue their conversation. All around me people talk and laugh and eat. It feels so normal.

Once I'm done, I get up and place my tray on a moving belt that brings the trays into the kitchen. I go back outside. I'm not sure what to do now since I've completed my task, so I go to the building next door which is something like the leading center of the farming department. The man who gave me my instructions and showed me around this morning said I could find him there. I try to remember his name as I walk through the pale sunlight. A small pile of snow next to the walkway – one of the few remaining – makes me smile thinking of the snowball fight with Tris this morning. Just then, I bump into someone standing on the path in front of me.

"Excuse me," I say ducking my head in Abnegation habit.

"Mr. Eaton!" the person says, "Just the man I was looking for." I look up. It's the man who showed me around earlier. What was his name?

"Oh, hello," I answer awkwardly. He takes my hand and shakes it.

"Ronald Nolten was my name." At my embarrassed look he says, "Don't worry, I'm sure you've been meeting lots of new people lately and have to remember plenty of names. So how was your morning?"

He's a short man with skin nearly as dark as the soil I was carrying into the greenhouses. His small black eyes are lined with tiny wrinkles and seem to have seen much. "It was ok," I answer.

"Did you finish the pile?" he asks.

I stare at him incredulously. I spent hours carrying wheelbarrows and shovels of it and the pile hardly looks smaller than before. Suddenly Ronald laughs at my look. "I'm joking, Mr. Eaton," he says. I smile hesitantly.

"Well, let's have a look at what you've done so far."

We walk back to the greenhouses in silence and then I show him which plots I've filled already. He inspects each one shortly and seems satisfied each time. Once I see him stop at a plant we pass by – he turns a leaf over in his hand and then pokes around at the base of the plant near the soil. I know he is seeing meaningful signs each detail of the plant. Finally he sighs and we continue on.

"Good job, Mr. Eaton, you finished all the beds that need to be filled for now. I think that's enough for today. If you come back at the same time tomorrow, we can continue from there. I'm sorry I didn't have the time to show you more, but tomorrow I can spend the entire morning with you and we can start teaching you some things about the plants." He smiles at me pleasantly. I reach out my hand to shake his and thank him, then head back towards the main compound.

It's a thirty minute walk from the greenhouses to the hotel. I walk briskly, enjoying the cool, fresh air. I was almost sad Ronald sent me home now because it means I will have to deal with Tris, Evelyn and Tin sooner rather than later. I try not to think about and it and just observe my surroundings.

I go straight up to my room and take a shower, washing all the soil away. There's still dirt under my fingernails so I try my best to get it out with my fingers and wonder where I can get some tooth picks or a nail file here. I suppose this would become a daily ritual if I chose to work in the greenhouses. It's almost two o'clock. The nurse said Tris's physical therapy would be at ten today, so she should be in her room now. I decide it's the best place to start so I head over to see her.

I see Caleb rushing down the hall when I leave my room. He should be working at this hour. Everyone has been working for a few weeks now – Caleb and Cara are being trained for lab work with Matthew. Christina works security in the afternoons and evenings and Peter is working at a library. Even Zeke and Shauna started working last week and they haven't been here long. Zeke is also in security and Shauna works in an office in the IT department. Apparently she's also really good with computers. Zeke's mother Hana has been unofficially doing a lot to help all the new people who come in from the city, but I guess she too will have to find a job soon.

I push thoughts of Caleb and the others aside and rush to the hospital. I hope Tris isn't mad at me, though I guess she has reason to be.

I slow down when I near her room. The chance is slight, but I would rather not run into Evelyn unexpectedly again. But the door to Tris's room is slightly open and I see she is inside sitting on her bed alone. The sun shines in through her window making her hair glow yellow. Even after all that happened today, the sight of her makes me smile. I knock lightly on the door and she says "Come in," in her clear voice without turning away from the window to look at me.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter Thirteen:

Tris POV:

I look at Evelyn who looks back at me expectantly. Somehow I have to help Tin see that I am not going to take Tobias away from her, that we are not rivals. We can both love him. I take a deep breath and wipe my palms on my pant thighs. It makes me grimace for a second – to think that, after fighting in a war, a child could make me so nervous.

I've always liked children from a safe distance, observing them play with each other around my home or in the breaks at school. Oftentimes the smaller children were the only sources of visible joy and loudness at Abnegation because it wasn't yet demanded of them that they adhere to the strict code of conduct everyone else had to live up to. One of our neighbors had three little boys and they always made such noise on the weekends; sometimes I would sit in my room and watch them through my window, laughing at all of their wild antics. But this feels very different. Tin is older than those boys. I never really spoke much or interacted with any children after my own childhood, I just liked to observe them. And those children never hated me.

I take another deep breath and walk towards the door. When my hand reaches the doorknob I falter for an instant, thinking of all that could go wrong, but Evelyn stands there, her dark eyes weighing and measuring me, so I open the door and enter the room. Tin still sits as she was, her eyes trained on the floor below her feet. I take a seat on my bed in front of her. Evelyn stands by the door and seems to be trying to make herself unnoticeable. That's no easy task for her; she has a strong presence, like her son.

Tin doesn't look up at me. I know I have to start this somehow.

"Tin," I say softly. No reaction.

"Kristin?" I try again. She jerks slightly, but quickly returns to her position. I look at Evelyn. She merely shakes her head. Maybe not.

I think hard. "Tin, your mother was telling me about your lives and how you got to know about Tobias. Would you like to know more about your brother, maybe I can tell you some things about him?" I ask. It's the only thing I know we have in common.

Again, she fidgets in her chair. Finally she asks, "And what would _you_ know about him?"

There's venom in her voice. I ignore it and continue in a casual tone. "A lot of things. I know where he grew up. I know he had a really difficult life, like you. I know why he chose to leave Abnegation and join the Dauntless. I know what he's good at and what he's not so good at. I know that he is strong and selfless and brave, but not without fear." I try to make my love and admiration for him audible in my voice so she knows this is something we can agree on. "I know he doesn't always know what to do and how to act. I know he would like to be part of a real family."

At this Tin finally looks up. There is such hope in her eyes, my heart squeezes in my chest. Then she looks down again quickly. After a moment she asks, "What's he good at?"

I think about this. "He's an excellent teacher. He trained the Dauntless initiates the past two years and he's very good at it – he's intimidating and demands respect, but he also knows how to help the initiates get better. He trained me. That's how we met." I pause for an instant, but there is no reaction to this, so I go on. "He's also a very good fighter. He's strong and fast and knows technique. He has perfect aim. No one can throw a knife as well as he can." I smile and touch the place on my ear where his knife nicked me. I wonder if I should tell her that story. Tin is now sneaking looks at me through her eyelashes. Maybe I should just go on talking about Tobias. "He can fix a car, he's good with computers and electronic devices in generals. He worked in the Dauntless control room when he wasn't training initiates and he deactivated the Erudite simulation that made all the Dauntless attack the Abnegation. Do you know about that?"

Tin nods. Now she is really looking at me. "That attack started the war, didn't it?" She asks. I nod. "And he stopped it?" I nod again. There is pure awe in her face. "Why wasn't he under the simulation like the other Dauntless?"

Where do I begin? That's such a long story to tell. I decide to sum it up as much as I can. "Your brother is immune to certain simulations, they don't affect him the way they affect most people."

Tin asks, "Is he Divergent?" I'm surprised she knows so much. Evelyn really hasn't been withholding information from her, or maybe her factionless friends.

"Yes, something like that," I answer. Then I remember something. "Actually, he was once under the effects of a special kind of serum, just before he disabled the simulation that caused the attack." Tin draws her eyebrows down into a straight line in confusion. The same way Tobias does. I explain to her how he tried to escape during the attack, was caught, then Jeanine put him under the modified simulation she had developed for the Divergent and sent him to the control room.

"How do you know all this stuff?" she asks in a suspicious tone.

"I was with him the whole time, at least until Jeanine sent him back to Dauntless."

Tin stares at me. "Are you Divergent, too?" I nod. Admiration and contempt wrestle within her. "I don't believe you," she says finally. I guess contempt won.

But then Evelyn speaks up, "Kristin, she is telling the truth. Several people have noticed she is aware during simulations and have seen her resist serums."

I give Evelyn a grateful look. Tin seems disgruntled, so I hurry on before she has time to continue her train of thought and find some way around her mother's admonition. "That simulation was awful because it changed what he saw and heard – he actually thought he was protecting Dauntless from the Erudite while in reality he was working for them."

This time Evelyn asks a question. "What happened? How did he make it out of the simulation and turn it off?"

How can I explain what happened that night in the control room? I think about the events of that day for what feels like the first time in a very long time. The fear, the anxiety, the loss… they all return slowly to me. "I… spoke to him."

Evelyn and Tin stare at me. "What?" Evelyn asks. "You spoke to him?"

I look away from them with my mind filled with memories. Emotions threaten to overwhelm me as I consider all that happened. Getting caught, being separated from Tobias, almost getting killed, my mother showing up and saving me, then losing her so soon after, shooting Will, losing my father… I decide to focus only on the interaction with Tobias in the control room before I drown in those memories. "We thought the simulation was being controlled from the Dauntless control room, so we went there. When I got there, Tobias was there, but he didn't recognize me. I spoke to him, shouted at him, but he still just saw me as an enemy. We fought. I was desperate, I knew I didn't stand a lasting chance against him and I knew I couldn't kill him if I somehow got the chance to fire at him. So I finally just… gave up. I held his gun to my head and told him to kill me."

The silence in the room is palpable. Both Tin and Evelyn are staring at me with wide eyes. Finally Evelyn clears her throat and says, "You did what?"

Their stares make me feel uncomfortable. It's hard to explain moments such as these, and somehow this one almost feels intimate to me. It was one of those defining experiences for Tobias and me, something that sealed our union even more than before. But I know this is how I'm going to prove myself, so I go on. "I… trusted him. I knew, deep down, that Tobias was in there and he could find his way back. It just felt right to do that. I knew he wouldn't kill me."

For another few moments the silence lasts. This time Tin asks me a question, "And then what happened?"

I shake my head. "I don't know exactly. I just know that he suddenly dropped the gun and took me in his arms and hugged me. Then we turned off the simulation and left." I shrug.

It's clear that the story has really made an impression on Tin and Evelyn. They both look at me somewhat disbelievingly. I suppose it is hard to believe at that. But now I'm feeling even more uncomfortable and don't want to think about that day anymore, so I say, "Anyway, Tobias is good at a great many things, but he also has his weaknesses. Do you want to hear some of those?"

Tin still seems lost in thought, but she looks at me again and nods slowly. There is no contempt visible in her pretty face anymore, just doubt. I hope that's a good thing.

I tell her about how Tobias isn't the nicest person I know, how he doesn't trust people easily, how it's hard to get close to him, the real him. I also explain that he doubts himself and fears becoming a harsh and violent person. While I try not be too hard on him and use a language I think is appropriate for a ten year old, I am honest in my description of him. It's only fair Tin know the truth. And I think the truth may help her understand why her brother left today.

"I don't know if you know this, Tin, but Tobias's father wasn't a good man. He treated your mother and Tobias terribly. That isn't your brother's fault, but he still carries that in him somehow and it's hard for him to let go of his past."

Tin's eyes fill with tears. She nods in what I can only describe as a show of bravery and then she says, "My father also wasn't a good man." It seems this is enough for her. I glance at Evelyn and she too has tears in her eyes. This surprises me because I didn't realize anything could break through her hard façade.

"I know," I respond.

Once again silence surrounds us as we get lost in our thoughts for some time. This is my chance. I have to say something convincing now that Tin is vulnerable and has let her guard down.

"Tin, I know you love your brother and you want to get to know him. But I think he too would gain so much from getting to know you. You both have so much in common, I'm sure there's a lot you two can learn from each other and I think he could see from interacting with you that he isn't such a bad guy as he sometimes thinks. It would be so good for him. The bond between siblings is something very special." I swallow hard at this thinking of Caleb.

Tin has gone back to staring at the floor and I'm not sure if she's heard me or not. I wait and hope for some reaction from her. But she just keeps looking at the floor. I look over at Evelyn and she only shakes her head, as if to say that she too doesn't know what to do.

I thought this would be the right approach, to tell Tin that I want her to get to know Tobias because she would be good for him. But maybe I was wrong. Or maybe it just takes more time. In any case, there's no point in trying to convince her more now. I get up and walk to the window where I stand leaning on the sill. The clock says it's 9:30, that means I have to get ready for physical therapy soon.

Just as I'm about to open my mouth to say so, Tin speaks up in the tiniest voice, "Do you think he would like me?"

The question surprises me so much, my answer just blurts out in a reflex, "I think he would_ love_ you!" Tin's little face mashes up in disbelief. "Tin, you're his sister. And not just any sister, you're strong and brave and have been through so much, just like him. He will love you and want to look out for you and protect you. I'm sure of that."

Again, a long stretch of silence accompanies our thoughts. I'm not sure what to do now. But Tin eventually helps me out by asking another question, this one even more unexpected, "And what about you?"

I frown. What about me? "Do you mean if I will like you?" I ask.

She replies with some of her old haughtiness, "No, I don't care if you like me! I just mean… I mean…" She falters, unsure how to go on.

Evelyn picks up, "I think you mean to ask Tris what_ she_ thinks about Tobias having a sister he loves." Tin nods after a moment.

I breathe in deeply and consider how to answer this question. "Tin, do you love your mother?"

Finally Tin looks up at me again. "Yes." She replies firmly, almost defensively. I nod.

"And if your mother had a wonderful brother whom she loved very much, would you love him?" Tin thinks about this. She nods hesitantly. I can see her thinking about where this might be leading. "Why would you love him?"

"Because he's my mother's brother. And she loves him." She responds uncertainly.

"Exactly," I say. "Tin, from the moment I knew who you were, I have loved you. How could I not? You are Tobias's blood, his sister! And I love him. You're a part of him, a good part of him. All I want is for him to be happy and whole and I know you can help him in that. So, to answer your question, I'm very glad Tobias has a sister and I hope very much we can all learn to be a family together."

My eyes glass up for a moment remembering Tobias saying he will be my family now. Maybe his family can also be my family. I never considered before that by being with him, I might actually be entering something greater than just the relationship between us two.

Tin peers at me so intensely. "Do you really mean that?"

"I do," I say and look her straight in the eye. She has to believe me.

Suddenly Tin stands up. She walks towards her mother and says, "Mom, I want to go." Evelyn nods. I don't know what to make of this, but there's nothing I can do now except go with it. So I walk towards them.

"I'm glad you were here." After a second's hesitation, I shake Evelyn's hand. I don't know if this is the way the factionless do it, but the Abgenation bow seems so out of place here. Then I face Tin. She looks up at me and then reaches out her hand. A peace offering. I take it gratefully and we shake awkwardly, both uncertain. Then Evelyn says good-bye and they leave, closing the door behind them.

The nurse comes in just after they leave and removes the antibiotic drip from my arm and then takes out the IV completely. That was my last dose of antibiotics. I change quickly and head towards the physical therapy room on the third floor. My mind is so full I actually look forward to the bodily exertion because it might clear my mind. As I turn into the hall, Christina is just arriving with a huge yawn. She's started working afternoons and evenings so she begins her days with our daily sessions. We greet each other and she affectionately places her hand on my arm.

"Ready for more Ivana torture?" she asks. I grin weakly. It really was torture yesterday.

(page break)

By the time the clock shows 12:50 I am gritting my teeth to keep from screaming. Did I really think I might be looking forward to this? But on the upside – if there can be said to be an upside to this hell of an exercise regime – I haven't had a second's chance to think about Tobias or Evelyn or Tin. The pain has been too much.

Ivana finally lets us relax and tells us we are done for the day. I can see Christina is also having a hard time with her own training. But we're in this together and we'll pull through it. I think.

I lay down on the mat for a few minutes to catch my breath and slow my heart rate. Ivana says cooling down is just as important as warming up. I certainly enjoy it more. Finally we gather our things, get up and say good-bye to Ivana. She smiles warmly at us and says, "See you tomorrow at ten." I cringe.

Today even Christina is a bit subdued as we head back down. I'm thankful she doesn't protest when I head straight for the elevators. As we reach my hall Christina says weakly, "I think you might have to remind me from time to time why we decided to do this."

"I decided to do this because I'm a broken mess that needs to be fixed. You decided to join me because you're a ridiculously good friend. And you're a badass." This seems to lift her spirits.

"I am, right?" she says. We both laugh, then she heads off towards the hotel to shower and get ready for work.

I go to my room and shower and get changed myself. Then I lay down in my bed with the sole intention of sleeping forever. But just as my eyes fall closed, the nurse enters the room with lunch. I am not only tired but also famished, so I let the hunger win and sit up to eat. The food here is simple but healthy and it reminds me of Abnegation. I like it.

Once I'm done, I quickly push my tray away and lay down again. Now I can finally sleep. Just then there is a knock on my door. The nurses usually don't knock when I'm alone and everyone else should either be working or having lunch, so I wonder who it might be. "Come in," I say reluctantly and sit up again. This better be good.

Caleb enters my room. His handsome face used to bring me such comfort, but now I feel sad and confused when I see him. He has been coming to see me regularly and our interactions have been normal, but somehow it isn't like it used to be. Our relationship is still tainted by the past. He walks in and takes a seat in the chair Tin was sitting in a few hours ago. But I don't have to convince him to like me, rather it feels as if he still has to convince me of his worthiness after all that he's done. I sigh. I don't know where these thoughts are coming from. I thought I had forgiven him.

"Hi Tris," he says.

"Hi Caleb," I answer. "Why aren't you at work?"

"Matthew and his supervisor had to go on a short trip and Cara and I aren't allowed to continue with the experiments without them, so we got the rest of today and tomorrow off." He shrugs.

"Oh, ok. How's work going anyway?"

"It's great," he says. "It's what I always wanted, I think. I get to read a lot, I have access to the best databanks with scientific literature and we're starting to get really actively involved in the experiments." His eyes shine as he says this.

"What are you experimenting on?"

"Well, we're trying to find out what genetically pure and genetically damaged really is." I frown at this and he continues quickly, "No, not like that. I mean, we're basically looking for scientific evidence that this genetically pure stuff is nonsense. We've been analyzing DNA and isolating the genes that are supposedly damaged and supposedly whole in different people and trying to see in what way they're actually different. It's strange because this has been such a defining feature of this society for such a long time, that no one has ever actually systematically analyzed the genetic differences between the GPs and GDs. There's been some studies on individual genes, but none on the differences as a whole. So basically, we don't really know what it means – scientifically – to be GP or GD. After some analysis we've realized that the approaches so far in identifying genetic damage have all been quite… lacking."

I can only stare at him. Where was this side of him all those years? Finally I say, "That's amazing, Caleb. It sounds like really important work."

"Yeah, it is!" he replies excitedly, but he quickly sombers up. "I think what I like about it the most, though, is that I get to do all this stuff and learn so much without being in the Erudite."

This comment surprises me. "What do you mean?" I ask.

Caleb looks uncomfortable now. "I've been thinking a lot about all that happened and all I did. I guess I realized that I chose Erudite because this is a part of me I can't deny – I love acquiring knowledge and intellectual pursuit. And back in the city the only way I could live that would be by joining Erudite. And so I did, despite all the bad there was in that faction, because it was the only possibility I saw to do what I love. But here… here I can do what I love and be smart without having to agree with everything else around me. I can work with Matthew and disagree with him. I can be smart and think differently from those around me. It's really a relief."

Caleb's words make me think of just how different we are. I chose Dauntless, not because I knew I would be able to be myself there, but because I knew I could never be truly and completely Abnegation. My lack of selflessness led me to leave Abnegation. But Caleb's intelligence and thirst for knowledge led him to choose Erudite. One question still burns in me, though.

"Caleb, why did you pretend all those years to be the perfect Abnegation son? How? I tried so hard to fit in and I never could and you… we never suspected there was this other side of you. Or at least I never did."

It's the first time we're having such an honest conversation. I'm thankful now that Caleb is here and is being so open, because there's so much that has been left unsaid between us. Maybe this is a first step towards fixing that.

Caleb sighs before answering. "I don't think I was pretending. I just grew up thinking that you do what you're told. If mom and dad say not to speak during dinner, I don't speak during dinner. If they say it's good to be kind to others and take care of their needs before my own, I pay attention and try to recognize others' needs and attend to them. It wasn't fake selflessness, I was just acting as I had been taught. And as I grew older and more aware of my actions, I realized it was also smart to do so, it made my life easier. So I did."

"It was that easy for you?" I ask in amazement.

He shrugs. "I guess so. But it also wasn't because I had to hide my love of knowledge."

"When did that start?"

"I'm not sure… I think it helped that our parents weren't the usual Abnegation themselves. Mom from the outside and then Dauntless, Dad a former Erudite. You know, our father was an unusually intelligent man. They were certainly Abnegation, but the customs and habits weren't as deeply ingrained in them as they might have been in a long-standing Abnegation family. They allowed us more freedom to think. But even so, I could tell I wanted too much. I always wanted to read books, I was good in school and asked too many questions, what we learned was never enough for me. And on a few occasions it even led to weird looks from teachers or comments from our parents. That's when I decided I had to pretend to be less interested. I was still a good student, but I stopped asking so many questions. I got books from the library and hid them. I tried even more to do as I was told and pay attention to others. It was just what I knew to do."

I'm fascinated by what he says. It does seem to make sense in a way, seeing the world through his eyes. "Then the aptitude test told you what you were expecting. Erudite."

Caleb nods. "I was expecting and fearing it. Because I knew I would have to make a choice between our family and myself. And I wanted to choose me. But it meant not doing as I was told, it meant not acting the way everyone expected me to. And I was so afraid of that."

The more Caleb says, the more I understand him. But still something is bothering me. It still doesn't add up. And finally I ask the question I have been burning to ask him for such a long time. "And when did you discover you care about yourself more than anything else in the world?"

He looks at me, hurt and shock in his eyes. "What?"

"You heard me, Caleb. When did it become clear to you that nothing matters as much as you? When did you completely abandon Abnegation? Was it at the choosing already?" I can feel my anger rise as I think of all the times he betrayed me and our family.

"Beatrice, that's not what happened. That's not fair. I was with the Erudite, I was one of them. It was expected of me to act a certain way, they told me to do those things and so I did. I didn't know what else to do. And I thought we were past all that, I thought you had forgiven me… I wanted to die for you."

"You wanted to die for me?" I shake my head angrily. "No, I wanted to die for you. You wanted to die for yourself, to finally be rid of your guilt."

Caleb stares at me in perplexion. "Is that what you think, Beatrice?"

I look back at my brother who now has tears in his eyes and all my anger dissipates. All the hurt from the past disappears. All I feel is sadness. _Can he truly be so blind?_ I wish I could help him see how wrong his actions were, but here he has been these past few weeks finding ways to justify them. In this moment I remember the clarity I had while floating in space with my mother in that world beyond. The memory calms me. I wish I could see so clearly now.

"Caleb, I don't think you ever truly realized how wrong your actions were." He makes a noise as if to protest, but I just go on. "No, I know you felt sorry and you apologized and offered to sacrifice yourself, but that doesn't mean you ever truly realized that what you did was wrong. It was wrong, Caleb."

He still doesn't seem to understand.

"Imagine things had gone differently. Imagine if I hadn't escaped but been executed that day. And imagine if the factionless hadn't gained power, but Jeanine had won the war and Erudite had taken control of the city. Where would you be now?"

Beads of sweat form on Caleb's forehead. He apparently doesn't like where this is going. "I… Beatrice, I don't know… Who can possibly tell?"

"I can," I say firmly. "You would be at Erudite. At Jeanine's side. Impressing everybody with your intelligence and gaining more and more knowledge each day in an environment that allowed you to do so. Maybe you would be saddened by my death, maybe you would even feel some remorse, but you would justify your actions to the end of your days. And if mom and dad died in the process of Erudite gaining power – which they likely would? Then you would justify that, too. Because it was all necessary for you to be able to stay where you wanted to be. You only admit to have done something wrong because it didn't work out. Because you were caught and made to account for your deeds. That's not the same as truly understanding that you behaved wrongly."

Tears flow down his cheeks now. My words hurt him, but he has to hear them. He has to know.

"I don't blame you for being a good Abnegation son. And I don't blame you for choosing Erudite. Our society was built on one freedom only, the freedom to choose between the factions. You made use of that when you could, as I also did. But everything after that, Caleb… You betrayed me, betrayed our family, betrayed everything you had claimed to believe in for over sixteen years. And for what? Recognition? Power? You let the greed of the Erudite take hold of your heart and you became first and foremost selfish. And that is not a matter of choosing between different lifestyles. It's just wrong."

Caleb continues crying. He looks at me in desperation, but I am merciless. The truth is merciless. After a long time, he asks, "Will you hate me forever, Beatrice?"

I sigh. He still doesn't understand. "I don't hate you, Caleb. You are my brother I grew up with and I love you. I don't even resent you. I don't say these things for me, I say them for you. Because you need to know the truth, because you need to face it. If you don't you will never truly be able to overcome the past."

"How can admitting to being an evil, selfish person help me overcome the past?" he cries out suddenly.

I don't answer for a long time. When I do my voice is quiet and steady. "You know, I used to think that when you forgive someone, you carry the sole burden for what they've done. Before forgiving them, you both carry that weight, but in forgiving them you relieve them of that weight and have to live with it alone for the rest of your life. Now I know how wrong I was. Forgiveness isn't about accepting a load. It's about letting it go.

"When someone hurts us, we become somehow so attached to that pain that we cling to it like it somehow defines us or our relationship with that person who hurt us. We cling to that bit of ourselves that was wounded and coddle it and pay attention to it until it seems impossible we will ever forget about it. Forgiveness means letting go of that hurt, it means letting the past be past and not bringing it with us anymore to the present or the future. Forgiveness isn't about the person being forgiven, it's about the person doing the forgiving. And I have truly and wholeheartedly forgiven you, Caleb. I feel no more hurt because of what you did to me. I only hurt when I think of what you continually do to yourself while you refuse to acknowledge the truth. It's time for you to do the most difficult: forgive yourself."

Caleb's tears have subsided. He only looks at me in wonder. I return his gaze firmly. Then he gets up and without another word he leaves my room.


	14. Chapter 14

**Author's note: I changed my Pen Name (used to be braveselflesshonestkind) because it was too Divergent specific. I got into this fanfiction stuff through Divergent, but don't want to limit myself to only this one story, so I thought something more general would be more appropriate. And I don't really know if I'm brave, selfless, honest and kind. :) **

**And here's another chapter! Thanks for reading, I hope you're enjoying it!**

Chapter Fourteen:

TRIS POV:

After Caleb leaves I get up and pace the room. I was exhausted before, but now I feel restless. How can so much happen in one day? I glance at the clock. Half a day! I try to clear my mind and think of the conversation with Caleb. I have no idea where it all came from, but I'm glad I said those things to him. It hasn't felt right between us since he chose to join Erudite and now I'm beginning to understand why. What I said was true – I do forgive him. When I look deep inside myself, I can't find any anger or hurt towards him. But he has been denying his actions repeatedly this entire time. And our relationship can't be based on my silent acceptance of a lie. So I'm glad I confronted him. I have no idea where this will lead, but at least whatever future we may still have won't be one built on a foundation of lies or omissions.

The wind blows in a sudden strong gust outside, causing a faint howling sound. It reminds me of the trains back in Chicago. I walk to the window and open it, letting the cold air rush inside. Autumn is ending, the last leaves clinging stubbornly to the trees. Soon a white blanket of snow will cover the land as far as the eye can see and that perfect calm I associate with winter and life in Abnegation will settle in. I look forward to it.

I sit down on my bed and look outside, letting the cold air calm my thoughts.

This is where Tobias finds me. I knew he would come. I hear his footsteps approaching, then slowing down. A gentle knock on the doorframe because my door is still partly open from when Caleb left.

"Come in," I say without turning around. I relish the quiet calm of the cold day and want to hold onto it as long as I can before having to return to the problems of this world.

Tobias comes in slowly. I don't see him, but I imagine he is taking in the situation, trying to analyze what state he will find me in. Not even I know that right now. Finally he walks over to me and stands hesitantly next to my bed. I can see him out of the corner of my eye but enjoy three more deep breaths of fresh air before turning to him at last. There is worry and guilt in those eyes that I love so much.

"Tris…" He looks at the open window. "Aren't you cold?" I get up and close the window, then sit back down again.

"It was just open for a few minutes, Tobias. I needed some fresh air."

He nods understandingly. My eyes glide over him appraisingly. He looks good. Healthy. I can tell he just took a shower and there's the tiniest blush visible under his tan cheeks, as if he had been exerting himself recently. Which he may well have been at the greenhouses. His gray sweater is tight over his broad back and chest and part of me just wants to cover his mouth with my own and lose myself in him forever. But I can't do that. We can't do that. Problems aren't solved that way.

So instead I say, "Have a seat." I don't point at any seat in particular, so he can feel free to choose. He chooses the chair at the foot of my bed for which I'm glad. I think my resolve might shatter if he sat too close to me right now.

We look at each other for a while. I think we're both hesitant to start this conversation because it may lead us into murky waters and we feel safe here in the clear shallows. But finally Tobias is brave enough to start.

"Tris, I'm sorry…" I don't say anything. _What is he sorry for? Leaving? He didn't walk out on me but on his sister, so why apologize to me?_ He clears his throat. "I'm sorry I acted like such a coward." Warm love spreads through my chest in waves. This is what I love about him, the capacity to understand a situation and to face the truth head-on. I incline my head as if to say that I accept his apology. He understands.

"What now?" I ask. Tobias shrugs. We both don't know.

"How'd it go after I left?" he asks. I tell him about the conversation with Evelyn outside. I try to remember every detail of what she told me because this is all really important information to Tobias. He seems amazed and frustrated with what he learns, but he mostly remains quiet and listens. When I reach the end of the conversation, he arches an eyebrow at me.

"So Evelyn came so you could convince Tin to like you?"

I shake my head in dismay. "I know, it's crazy. Possibly even ironic."

"So did you?" he asks.

"Did I convince Tin that I'm not her enemy?" He nods. I sigh. "I don't know. That sister of yours is pretty tough." And then I tell him as well as I can how the conversation with Tin went. Again he doesn't say anything and just listens until I finish.

"It doesn't seem fair that you have to go through so much trouble because of what other people do." I chew my lip as I think of this. Other people. Who is to blame for Tin hating me? Her father for abandoning her and Evelyn and making her fearful of loss in the first place? Evelyn for not liking me and saying those things about to her? Tobias for walking out and making her even more insecure? Maybe even Marcus for being such a terrible father and husband and person. I don't know. _What does it matter?_

"No, it doesn't, but I do want her to like me, so I have to do something about it. I have to try." I respond.

"And you did," he says. "And you will." I nod. It's as simple as that.

"So what now, Tobias?" I ask again. Because it's not fair that he had no chance to prepare for this and he had an awful father who filled his life with violence and anger, but the fact is that Tin is here to stay and so he has to do something about it, too.

He looks away from me now. "Tris, what if… what if I'm like Marcus? What if I let her close and then lose my temper… and hurt her?"

This reminds me of when I admitted to him my fear of the darkness of the coma. And it reminds me of being in his fear landscape with him. I have to help him be strong, but I won't coddle him. He is too strong for that.

"You're not like Marcus," I say firmly. "I've been with you nearly every day for over four months and I have seen nothing about you to convince me otherwise."

We fall silent. I know it's not enough, but at least he is thinking about what I said. "Tobias, your sister loves you. She needs you. And I think you need her, too."

At this he looks at me sharply in surprise. "What?"

I shrug. "You two would do each other good." He just sinks into himself again and seems to think about this.

After a while I say, "In any case, while I may not have convinced her completely that I'm not her enemy, I think I convinced her that you would like to get to know her." Tobias's eyes fill with despair again and I begin to lose my patience. "Tobias, she is mad about you!" I say sharply. "She's ten! All she's known is loss, you cannot push her away from you."

I'm upset with myself for losing my temper and being so moralizing towards him again – but how can I help him see? I feel like all I do now is point things out to people. Gladly Tobias doesn't get angry at my tone, he just continues lost in thought. Finally he says, "I know, Tris. I'll do something about it, ok? I just need some time to think."

I nod. If he says he will, he will. I reach out slowly and take his hand in mine. "I'm here, Tobias. I'm always here." He looks into my eyes and I think I see gratitude mixed in with his fear. He squeezes my hand.

Thoughts of Caleb run through my mind and I find myself telling Tobias about our conversation. By the end of it I'm crying and he sits next to me on the bed and places his arm around my shoulder. For a long time we sit that way – me crying and Tobias comforting me. Though I think I'm comforting him too somehow. I wonder how our lives got so complicated. Wasn't leaving supposed to end all this?

My tears subside eventually and I ask Tobias about his day. He tells me about the work at the greenhouses. I wish I could see him working there because the idea of him working on a farm still seems so out of place to me. It sounds like he enjoyed it, though; he will continue going there for the rest of this week.

There's a knock on my door. It's Zeke and Shauna. They come in and Zeke takes one of the empty chairs with a joke about how they never need to find a chair for Shauna. She punches him, but she's smiling too. We spend the next three hours together talking and laughing. Shauna is still a bit shy around us because she made such a big deal about us being Divergent before, but slowly she unravels into the funny, care-free girl she is. They tell us about their jobs and the ungodly hour they have to get up at because both are working early shifts now. We make jokes about the people at the compound, about how they talk about things we've never heard of as if we should know about them and how they pretend to not know everything about our lives from the screens. Everyone is impressed that Ivana actually never watched the footage of the city and we wonder if there are others that chose not to, like her. We also share our favorite discoveries from this world outside the city – Zeke and Shauna can't decide whether they like tablets or motorcycles more, Tobias thinks the little golf cart is very amusing and I, of course, love the plane. Just the idea of air travel thrills me. We place bets on whether we will get Tobias to fly in one – to his dismay. And we all agree on one thing: we miss Dauntless cake.

Towards the early evening we get into a long conversation about money. There was no money in the city, just credits and they worked differently than money does somehow. Matthew has been talking to all of us about this – apparently he thinks it's very important we understand – but we all haven't quite grasped the concept. Up until now, the compound has been taking care of us. But now that everyone is starting to work, they will receive money for the work and with this money they will have to buy all the things they need and pay other people for any services they might need from them. There is even a monthly fee for being able to live in a room at the hotel! In the city every person or family was just assigned a living space according to faction custom. We don't really know what to make of this.

At six thirty a nurse brings me my dinner. Zeke and Shauna decide they'll go get dinner also and say good-bye to us and leave. I watch them go with a feeling of joy and sadness.

"That was a nice afternoon," I say absently as I pick up my fork. "Uriah would have enjoyed it, too."

Tobias nods. I know he was thinking the same thing. He smooths my hair with his hand. "I wonder when they're going to turn off the machines." We both don't know.

I eat and offer some to Tobias, but he doesn't accept. He says he'll get some food later. The cafeteria offers meals at certain times, but there are machines with sandwiches and other kinds of food in them that function all the time. He says Zoe gave him some money for the next few weeks until he starts working, so he should be able to buy something.

"Maybe you should be careful with your money, though." I say in between bites. "What if it runs out?"

Tobias scratches his head. "I don't know. Maybe Zoe can give me more?"

By the time I'm done the nurse comes to get my tray. Tobias gets up and stands by the window.

"I worry about us sometimes," he says. A tiny bubble of panic bursts in my chest. _About us?_ He must see it because he quickly adds, "I mean, us, the people from Chicago. Out here."

I exhale. "Yeah, I do, too." I reply.

"We aren't prepared for this world. The younger people will be able to adjust eventually, but what about the older ones? Who have only known one thing their entire life? What happens when the experiment falls apart? Will Chicago also have things like planes and… money?" He says the last word like it disgusts him. "I think it's time we called that meeting."

I can only agree with him. He tells me that the last he heard there were 64 people from the city at the compound. We talk about how we would invite them all, where it could take place, how we could organize it. I'll ask at the hospital for a room large enough and will get Zeke, Cara, Matthew, Christina and Caleb (if he's still willing to talk to me) to help me gather enough chairs and set things up. Tobias will invite everyone. We choose a day a week from now in the evening.

Once it seems everything is taken care of, there's just one question left. "How will the meeting itself be run?" Tobias asks.

"I think you should lead the conversation." I reply immediately. He sighs but doesn't argue.

"Even so, what will we talk about? Over sixty people, we can't all just talk at once."

We fall silent again thinking. "Well…" I start slowly. "We still have a week, right? Why don't you try to talk to everyone, as you're inviting them, about what they think is important. And then we can sit down together with a few people and make a plan the night before the meeting and take what everyone said into consideration."

Tobias immediately agrees, though I can see he doesn't like the idea of having to talk to so many people. "I think I might need help."

"So get some help. Maybe Zeke can join you and Evelyn and… well, anyone really." Tobias nods.

I feel excited. We're finally doing something instead of just sitting here watching our hometown destroy itself.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter Fifteen:

FOUR'S POV:

I walk back to the compound after another day at the greenhouses. This was the fifth time I've gone there to work. Ronald has been teaching me a lot about the plants and I'm truly enjoying it. I understand why the greenhouses and the people who work there have a calm, content feel about them – the work is fulfilling and tiring, simple yet somehow complex. I still don't know if I can imagine doing it for years and years, but it has been nice to try out and I do think I'll make use of my new skills again in life, even if I choose not to work at the greenhouses. And I'm glad to finally be contributing to something again.

The wind pierces through my jacket as I hug it closer to me. It hasn't snowed again since that first time, but it certainly feels like winter now. The sky is a solid steel gray and it seems to hang lower than usual. I used to hate these winter skies, they always made me think of something broken, but now I look up at it full of expectation.

I rush into the hotel and to my room and take a quick warm shower. In the past few days Tris hasn't yet asked me how I mean to approach Evelyn and Tin – we've generally avoided this topic – but I know she has been thinking about it. I too have been thinking about it. Finally I decided it's time to go see them. So I hurry out of my room and go up two floors where I was informed Evelyn is now living with Tin. I hope I'll find them there.

When I reach room number 509 I stop. This is where they should be. Dark memories of being locked inside a closet start to creep into my mind; I firmly knock on the door before they have a chance to take hold of me. My mind is set. A moment passes. Then I hear a slight rustling sound and the door opens. There stands Tin, my little sister, in front of me. Her dark curls are a tangled mess and she wears an oversized t-shirt and shorts, her tiny frame engulfed in cloth. It's hard to believe she's ten years old, she's so small. We look at each other for a while, her eyes wide in surprise.

"Hi," I finally say awkwardly.

"Hello," she answers in a tiny voice.

"Are you alone?"

Tin looks back into the room. "Yes. Evelyn left an hour ago, I don't know where she went." She sounds a bit defensive in her reply, maybe she thinks I'm only here to see Evelyn. Part of me wants to turn around and leave on the spot, to come back when someone else is near and I know it's safe. But instead I ask, "Can I come in?"

Tin's eyes go even wider. She looks around again and says, "Yes!" excitedly. Then she opens the door wider and walks into the room. I follow her. Their room is larger than mine, with a big bed and two windows in the far wall. The bed is a mess of blankets and pillows. There is one chair in the room, which is covered in clothes. Tin sees me standing near the door, then she goes to the chair and unceremoniously throws all the clothes on the floor next to it. "You can sit here," she says.

I take a seat. Tin sits cross-legged on the bed with her back leaning against the headrest and looks at me expectantly. _Now what?_

"How old are you?" I ask. Tris already told me she is ten, but I don't know what else to say.

"I'm ten." Tin replies. Again there is a certain defensiveness in her tone.

"Where did you live all your life?"

"In the factionless part of town. We lived in the basement of one old house near the Abnegation sector until I was seven, after that…" she shrugs. "We moved around a lot."

"Do most factionless live in one place for a long time or do they all move around a lot?"

Tin purses her lips in thought. "It's different for everyone. I know one family, they've been in the same house since I was born or maybe even from before that, they live where we used to live. But there are people who never stay more than a few nights in one place. Not everyone likes having just one home."

I just started asking questions to have something to do, and because it seemed like a good way to get to know her, but now curiosity has kicked in. We never knew anything about the factionless, we were just told it was the worst imaginable fate. While I did spend time with them during the war, I'm not sure how valid those experiences were and how much of it was due to the circumstances. So listening to Tin talk about it is fascinating to me – what must life have been like for her growing up there?

"Did you like it? Being factionless?"

This time her answer shoots out immediately. "It wasn't perfect, but it was better than living in a faction." At the word faction she makes a face.

This surprises me. "Why?"

"Because in the factions they tell you EVERYTHING. They tell you what to do all the time. It's bad enough Evelyn always told me what to do, I couldn't stand it living in a faction."

What she says is true in a way. "But… wasn't life hard? Weren't you poor and sick and hungry?"

"So what if we were poor?" she asks angrily. "I always had enough to eat. Some people got sick, sometimes the Stiffs would take care of them, if they didn't it could get bad, but…" she shrugs her shoulder. "That's the way life is. People get sick and die. People died in the factions, too."

I feel my eyebrows draw down. "Did you ever go to school, Tin?" I try to keep my voice neutral and not let the concern show.

Tin sniffs. "We didn't have a school, but we had classes. There were a few people in each area who got all the children around them together every day for lessons. Evelyn helped organize those classes. Almost all the kids went to them. Most of the time."

"Most of the time?" I ask.

"I know how to read and write. I can do math. I know the sun revolves around the Earth and stuff like that. Not that any of that ever helped me." I'm surprised to feel relief flood through me at this. So she has received some kind of education. It may have been irregular and lacking, but it's something. I imagine all the factionless as illiterates and it makes the task of healing Chicago seem even more impossible – at least we won't have to deal with that.

"What else did Evelyn do? Most of the factionless have jobs, right?"

"Yes, terrible jobs with even worse pay!" Tin exclaims. I nod to show I agree with her. "My mother drove a train."

Now I'm shocked. "What?" I ask.

"She started when I was five. She didn't work every day, though, because of me."

Images of those trains drift through my mind – all those times I was jumping on, jumping off, the sense of freedom they had always given me – and it may well be that my mother was the one driving? The idea of it is so strange I don't know what to think or feel.

"What did you do when she was working?"

Tin chews her lip. She doesn't seem to like this question. "There were people I stayed with. Sometimes my mother's friends and sometimes people who took care of children among the factionless. And I had classes."

So their lives had some kind of organization. I already knew that from the time I spent with them, but I had never considered the challenges children might present. They found a way to deal with it.

Then another question comes to my mind, this time my curiosity is directed at the girl in front of me and not her society. "And what did you do with your free time?"

Again Tin shrugs. "I walked around. Played with my friends. Normal stuff."

I laugh. "Normal stuff?"

"Yeah, stuff kids do," Tin replies somewhat self-consciously. She seems very smart for her age.

"I understand," I say, though her answer hasn't really told me much about her. "Do you miss your friends?" is my next question. I remember someone asked me that once during Dauntless initiation. The question seemed so stupid to me at the time, but it sounds like Tin had a somewhat more normal childhood than I did.

"Some of them," she answers stoically. I can tell she doesn't want to talk about it. I think I like this kid. A quiet settles in for a moment. Then I wonder: if I have a thousand questions, maybe she's curious about me, too.

"Is there anything you want to ask me about my life?" I ask, already feeling uncomfortable.

Tin doesn't even think. "What are you afraid of?" So that's been on her mind since our last meeting. At first I consider evading the question somehow, but then I decide it's not fair to let her ask me questions and then not answer them.

I take a deep breath. "I'm afraid of heights, confinement, killing or hurting innocent people and becoming like my father. I think I'm also afraid of losing Tris." It all comes out in a rush. Then I think about what I said, "Maybe that's not exactly right, I haven't been through a fear simulation in a long time."

She looks at me intensely for a few seconds. Then she asks, "Do you love Tris?"

I nod.

"And she loves you?"

"Yes," I answer.

"Do you think you're going to be together forever?"

This question makes me blink. _Are we? Who can know?_ "I think so. I hope so." The last thing I want is to show doubts about my relationship with Tris.

"But you don't _know_, do you?"

"I don't know, Tin. Something might happen to either of us, things could change. I don't think anyone can answer that question for sure, just like no one can tell the future. But to me what matters more is another question – do I want to be with her forever? And to that I answer yes. And so does she, I think."

Tin thinks about this for a long time. "Is that what happens when you love someone? You want to be with them forever, even though you know you might not?"

I nod. Tins nods back.

(page break)

TIN'S POV:

I stare at the door Four just left through for a long time. He hugged me before going. He's so tall he had to bend down low, but he hugged me tight like Evelyn does. It was nice.

We talked for a long time, mainly asking each other questions. At the very end he said he was sorry he left that first day. When I asked him why he just smiled and said not every question can be answered in one day. Some other day, he said.

I try not to let myself get too excited. But it was so nice being with him, talking to him. And he said some other day. That must mean he wants to see me again. A big smile keeps creeping up onto my face, even though I keep trying to chase it away.

That's how Evelyn finds me a few minutes later: sitting on the bed looking at the door, a huge smile on my lips.


	16. Chapter 16

**Author's note: Hello! Sorry I disappeared for a while - I had a big exam this week, but now it's over and I plan on updating again more regularly. I guess this is the point where I should share with you guys that I don't really know where this is going. I've been winging it for a while now, and the only thing that would really make sense to me at this point would be for Tris and Four to truly take on the task of helping their country overcome the GD/GP problem... But that would take forever. I don't know if I want to write another book! What do you guys think? I would hate to end this with a meaningless ending (or leave it too open), but I also don't want to drag it on forever. It's already quite long. But the meeting of the Chicago people is coming up soon and that I look forward to! And there's a lot of room to see what's going on with some of the characters... Oh, the dilemma. My problem is probably chapters like this one that don't really add much to the plot. But they're so much fun to write! Anyway, I'd be glad if you share your thoughts and here's the new chapter. Enjoy and thanks for the reviews / follows / faves!**

* * *

Chapter Sixteen:

FOUR'S POV:

The next few days feel like they go by so fast my memory of them is just a blur. I get up blood early to work at the greenhouses. Afterwards I talk to anyone and everyone I see about the upcoming meeting. At first I am uncertain how to approach them, but soon I learn to recognize the fear and uncertainty in their eyes. We're all strangers, and lost here. And somehow that makes it easier for me to find a way in; I tap into the fears, I ask questions, I listen. Soon people are sharing their ideas with me, their hopes and their dreams. I don't know how I've gone from Four the intimidating instructor – who Tris considered to be as approachable as a bed of nails – to someone people pour their hearts out to, but it feels right. With aching muscles and soil still underneath my nails, I listen. And after that I go to see Tris. She asks me how my day was and I end up telling her more and more. In those moments she listens, offering a word of comfort or counsel or laughter in between, but mostly just listening. I also go see Tin and Evelyn every day. We still feel a bit uncomfortable around each other, but we are learning to relax more. I asked Zoe yesterday if I could borrow the golf cart and she said she would have to ask – I'm hoping I can take Tin out for a ride in it. It's been snowing in earnest lately, so I'll probably have to wait until the weather lightens up.

In this way a week passes. It is the day before the meeting and I am on my way from my room to see Tris in the hospital. She's been visibly getting better – her rigid workout plan is having positive effects. There's still the twitching in her left hand and I guess she'll limp until some time after the bullet is removed from her leg, but it's amazing how fast she's progressing. The doctors remain consistent in not giving us any clear answers, but I think she should be able to leave the hospital soon.

When I approach Tris's room I hear voices coming out of it. First I hear her clear voice and then, a deep man's voice. Dr. Cooke? I can't understand what they're saying, so I slowly move closer. Something in their tones seems intense. It's probably not right to listen, but curiosity gets the better of me. I stand right next to the door with my back pushed tightly against the wall and take shallow breaths. There's silence now. Then I hear the man's voice – it's definitely Dr. Cooke – say

"Miss Prior, have you been to see someone like I suggested?" I don't hear any answer, but Dr. Cooke sighs. "Are you absolutely sure you want to do this? High levels of pain are just as likely to trigger bad memories. More likely, actually, considering the fact that you really wouldn't notice anything under anesthesia."

"I'm sure." Tris's voice sounds tight. I feel my own muscles tense at the strain in it. "Dr. Cooke, I want this over with. I want to move on."

There's a slight rustling sound, papers crumpling. "Yes. I know. And it does seem as if you are physically prepared. Neurologically also."

"So? What else do I need?" Tris asks.

"Not all wounds can be found in the body," is his reply. I find myself nodding. "All right, if this is your wish, I'll let Dr. Zimmermann know. He already gave you his ok?"

"Yes," I hear Tris say faintly.

"He'll be performing the surgery and overlooking your recovery. I don't think I can help you any further; your physical therapy will eventually help you overcome the twitching and the minor issues left with your fine coordination – the rest you seem to have overcome already."

I hear footsteps and nearly panic, but then I move sideways down the hall away from the door with my back still against the wall. I'll just pretend I'm arriving now. But Dr. Cooke isn't quite finished. He says, "Miss Prior, I do hope you will consider talking to a psychologist or psychiatrist. It's ok to accept help once in a while. Good night."

His footsteps begin again and I quickly move away from the wall and act casual. Dr. Cooke sees me walking towards him as he's leaving Tris's room. "Ah! Mr. Eaton! I was actually wondering where you were!" His genuine smile is almost infectious. I wonder if this is what it would be like to actually have a father. The thought makes the smile that was almost finding its way onto my face wither.

"Yeah, I guess I'm never too far from her," I answer awkwardly.

"No," Dr. Cooke says, suddenly serious. "You're not, and for that I'm glad." His smile returns just as suddenly and he claps my shoulder. "Well, good night then!"

"Good night, Dr. Cooke," I say.

Tris is sitting on her bed facing the door when I walk in. Her elbows rest on her knees and her head in her hands; the dusk light coming in from the window makes her hair look almost orange. I close the door behind me and pull the empty chair up so I'm sitting in front of her. She doesn't move. I let a moment pass, then I gently pull her arms towards me and tug her into a tight embrace. It's so good to have her here pressing against me.

"Hey," I say.

"Hey," she mutters into my shoulder.

"I overheard part of your conversation with Dr. Cooke. I hope you don't mind." I hear a muffled no in response. "Are you ok?" I ask. There's a pause. Then another muffled no. I pull away from her and let my eyes roam across her face: they start at her chin, then go slowly over her lips, meander around her cheeks, then follow the straight line of her nose and finally end at her eyes. Those bright eyes, so alive. Why do I see so much fear in them now?

"You're going to let them take the bullet out without a full anesthesia." I say. It isn't a question. Tris nods. "When?" I ask.

"The day after tomorrow."

"Are you afraid it will hurt?"

She hesitates, then shakes her head. "I know it will hurt. I can take pain."

"Then what's wrong?"

Tris looks me straight in the eye for a long time. I feel trapped in her stare, like I can't move as long as her eyes remain fixed on mine. Finally she breaks her gaze and frees me. "I'm afraid of my fear," is all she says.

What can I say to this? The man who spent months going through his own fear landscape nearly every day? The man who voluntarily submitted himself to witnessing his fears over and over, trying to conquer them, and then had his greatest fear truly come to life and nearly let it break him? There is nothing I can say. So I just take her hand – it twitches occasionally, which I ignore – in mine and we sit that way until the room grows dark.

(page break)

TRIS'S POV:

I'm already falling asleep when Tobias leaves. He kisses my forehead lightly and I'm so far gone I only manage to mumble something unintelligible when I try to say good night. The last thing I hear before sleep takes me are the words, "I love you" murmured gently against my skin.


End file.
